KIERAN HOWARD: I think I’d be locked up if I really did go ‘a bit toddler’

Let's go to work in our pyjamas
Let's go to work in our pyjamas
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If I follow the advice of GQ’s Sarah Turner, I’ll be going to work in my pyjamas, telling people what I really think of them and never again offering someone a cuppa.

According to the magazine’s columnist Unmumsy Mum, we should all be ‘more toddler’.

Apparently, there’s five key reasons why we should all act younger than our years.

Toddlers say what’s on their mind, put themselves first, don’t feel under pressure to do anything, have zero inhibitions and don’t dwell on anything.

Of course, her idea is perfect in theory.

Unfortunately, as some parents will likely echo, the idea doesn’t work in real life.

The trouble as I see it, is thus.

If I tried being more Louie, then I’d probably end up being thrown out of a restaurant, ejected from a church or locked away in a secure unit somewhere.

It’s important to remember here that toddlers eat yoghurt with their hands, run around the house naked, openly break wind in public, shout out random things during wedding ceremonies and try to climb in recycling bins.

They’ll also attempt to pick up anything which looks remotely like a stick, including nasty items produced by dogs which definitely aren’t sticks.

Louie does most of the above anyway, and I’m really hoping I’m not the only dad confronted by such events.

I agree it’s great that he says what’s on his mind.

But when that includes him suddenly and repeatedly blurting out ‘boo’ during a minute’s silence at the football, it’s not so positive.

I pray for the alternative option of a minute’s applause whenever we’re at a match.

He can then make as much noise as his heart desires and we can both get away with it.

Admittedly, it’s also brilliant that he doesn’t feel under pressure to do anything.

But sadly, he can often take this to the extreme, meaning that he’ll occasionally point-blank refuse to operate his legs.

For whatever reason, he decides it’s simply too much effort to put one foot in front of the other.

He just refuses to move.

The pressure then transfers to us.

We either have to carry him or suffer the embarrassment of a screaming child on the floor.

Trust me, the former is infinitely more preferable.

If I was to be more toddler and also avoid walking anywhere, I’d have to rely on poor Kerrie for piggy-back rides.

In summary, I think one toddler in our household is enough, without introducing another one.

I’VE BROKEN THE BAN ALREADY

Is it too soon to be discussing the

‘C’ word?

Until Louie’s celebrated his birthday, Kerrie’s banned all talk of Christmas in the Howard household.

Thankfully it’s only two weeks until the little man turns two, so I guess that gives us a respectable amount of time to get in the festive spirit.

And I suppose it’s only right that we should get one birthday out of the way before we mark another.

That said, I’ve already contravened the ban on several occasions while Kerrie’s been at work.

The boy’s had to suffer an unreasonable amount of Magic Xmas on the DAB over recent weeks.

In case you haven’t come across it before, it’s a 24/7 station offering back-to-back Christmas tunes. What could be better? Actually, don’t answer that.

Louie and I have been listening to Noddy, Cliff and Mariah since the beginning of the month.

He sings and dances so I don’t think it’s yet proving too torturous.

I sometimes give him a break from The Pogues and Bing every now and then too.

I switch the dial over to a bit of TalkSport.

Some might argue that’s equally as painful on the ears.

Anyway, with more than a month remaining, merry Christmas everyone.