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Sealevel Restaurant, at the Marriott Hotel, Portsmouth
Kirstie Allsop, she of Location, Location, Location, has changed. Once fresh-faced and loveable in her high heels and voluminous skirts, Kirstie in the new series has turned into a rather scary probation officer. Dare oppose her and 'you're a dissident' is the frowning message.
I felt in the presence of several Kirsties at the recently-refreshed Marriott's Sealevel when entering the empty, hangar-like restaurant.
I entered cautiously, the hotel's alarm bells due for a trial run according to a sign. Maybe everyone had been evacuated. But no. This is Corporatesville with laptop-toting people at the bar.
I approached a table in the swish restaurant with its hanging glass bar, dark wood, burgundy half-moon banquettes and frilled black lampshades. A Kirstie was soon at my side.
'Why don't you sit in the bar?' she said.
'No, I'd like to sit at one of the restaurant tables,' I replied.
'But there's a party of seven coming in' she replied, somewhat menacingly. Unlike Kirstie's participants I put my tiny heeled foot down and was granted a table away from those phantom diners.
Another Kirstie then arrived. 'What drink would you like?'
'Can I see a wine list?'
'We have…' and then she faltered, the memory gone. 'Red or white?'
'I don't know until I've seen a list.'
'You have white with fish and red with…' One withering look brought me the list.
Pulling teeth time over, on to the menu. Would I have to choose what a Kirstie thinks I should have?
Light Bites ('instant gratification, energy for the mind, body and soul') turns out to be nuts, olives, hoummous and rollmops.
Pastas and salads ('big hunger, at your leisure, handcrafted, inventive') includes unimaginative Caesar salads, fishcake salad and tiger prawns rigatoni, a whopping 14.50. For pasta?
Soup and sandwiches ('little time, simple, fast, fashionable') goes down the clam chowder, club sandwich and steak ciabatta route, the main menu running out of bright idea wording but offering ham hock terrine; fish pie; Guinness battered haddock; artichoke tortellini (12.50) and steak frites (14.50), other steaks reaching past 22.
The uber-thick clam chowder (5.50) tasted of nothing bar potatoes and flour. A bacon rasher, added for decoration, slid into the hot soup. Not nice.
The skirt steak, devoid of flavour and not the requested medium-rare, came with frozen chips pertly served in a metal cone.
The grilled tomatoes were okay but all was served on a difficult-to-eat-off rectangular plate, presented at an inedible angle.
'I guess you wouldn't like dessert as you've left most of your food' said Kirstie Number Three. How perceptive. I fled the building as the fire alarm went off. My bill came to 24.25 not including service but an excellent glass of Montepulciano.
Sealevel Restaurant, Marriott Hotel, Southampton Road, Portsmouth, PO6 4SH (023) 9238 3151.
Open: 6.30am–10am (breakfast) (7am–11am Sat-Sun); lunch menu available all day (Sun carvery 12.30pm–2.30pm); dinner 6.30pm–10pm (10.30pm Fri-Sat).
Food: ***
Service: ***
Atmosphere: ***
Disabled access and toilet.
How to get there: M275 from Portsmouth, follow signs for Port Solent and A27, take A27 towards Portchester, the entrance to the hotel on the left at the start of the road.
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Weather for Portsmouth
Wednesday 23 May 2012
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