'Achieving my footballing dream drove me to depression and contemplating suicide': Portsmouth Women and ex-Coventry, Aston Villa and Oxford defender Evie Gane

Then, at the age of 22, the defender fulfilled a lifelong ambition so often derided, her playing talents recognised by Women’s Championship side Coventry United in the form of a maiden professional contract.

Within six weeks, Gane suffered a breakdown, was diagnosed with depression and contemplated suicide as footballing pressures exacerbated existing mental health issues.

As a consequence, she vowed to never again play the game she adores.

‘Ever since I could talk I longed to be a professional footballer, that’s all I wanted,’ Gane told The News.

‘I’m one of four girls, and was probably dad’s little boy back in the day, the only one interested in sport.

‘When I signed full-time for Coventry in August, this was my dream, the first time somebody had put a proper contract for proper money in front of me, I’d never had that. Four-year-old me was screaming with joy.

‘I was being paid to play in the second tier of the women’s game, I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was the best thing ever – yet it turned out to be one of the darkest decisions I made.

‘After six weeks of achieving my lifelong ambition, my life spiralled, old problems resurfaced. Everything which had caused me pain in the past was causing me pain again.

‘Football ended up crippling my whole life, it stopped me from eating, stopped me doing daily tasks, sent me into depression, made me contemplate suicide – I gave up on life.’

It was back in the summer of 2016, some six years earlier, when Gane graduated from Ranelagh School in Berkshire, having achieved 11 GCSEs, the majority at A-star level.

Despite academic brilliance, however, anxiety and mental health issues had impacted upon her attendance, an unhappiness underpinned by the secondary school’s refusal to allow her to play football.

She added: ‘I had an identity crisis growing up. I was obsessed with football, absolutely loved it, but went to a very old fashioned Church of England school.

‘The girls did netball and hockey in lessons, whereas the boys had football and rugby. I found that really hard – I so wanted to play football.

‘Not one girl in my year played football, leaving me struggling to relate properly with others. It built up this anxiety that I didn’t want to go to school because I didn’t feel I had a place there. I wasn’t comfortable in myself or my surroundings.

‘Then I looked up FA rules and discovered girls were allowed to play football with boys until the age of 16. I went flying back to the head of PE: “You’re breaking the law by not letting me play for the boys team. You are going against the FA rules”.

‘He wasn’t impressed and already had it in for me anyway after I beat the boys at cross-country in Year Seven. He had taught my dad at that school, so was very set in his ways.

‘Conveniently for him, I then suffered a stress fracture to my back, putting me out for a year. I left that school having never played football there – not even in a lesson.

‘It’s ridiculous because, at the time, I represented Wales through different age groups. My school attendance record must have been atrocious through my international commitments.

‘After a while, the school stopped granting me authorised leave. My parents risked being taken to court for letting me go away with Wales – my mum’s response was “I don’t care, take us to court. You’re living the dream”.

‘I was 14 when I made my under-15s debut in Euro qualifiers in Latvia and loved it, it was amazing. I must have played around 20 times overall.

‘Yet I still think of the amount of assemblies the boy who played badminton for England – David Jones – had speeches about him saying congratulations. I never got one mention.’

Undeterred, Gane subsequently featured for Oxford United Women’s first-team at the age of 16, before representing Aston Villa Ladies and London Bees.

She joined FA Women’s National League Southern Premier Division club Pompey Women ahead of the 2021-22 season and, as an automatic choice, amassed 35 appearances and two goals.

Then, in August 2022, Coventry United presented the prized opportunity to move into the full-time game, tabling a 10-month playing contract worth £820 a month.

Unable to relocate to the Midlands for financial reasons, she instead lived with her parents at their Berkshire home, while topping up her wage by working as a personal trainer at a local gym.

However, the lonely commute, consisting of a gruelling 200-mile round trip up to five days a week, would soon have serious implications on her mental health.

‘In the beginning I loved it, for the first time I felt like a pro, this was my job, but then it grinds you down,’ Gane said.

‘The amount of driving was putting me in a very nasty place. I was really struggling, overthinking, analysing what my purpose in life was, it was eating away at me. A regular five-hour journey only extenuated that as I had more time to think.

‘In terms of football, you analyse every performance, every game. I can’t stand losing – and all we were doing was losing. I blamed myself.

‘I hated myself, I hated not winning, it felt like it was my fault, even though it’s obviously a team game. I hated who I was, where I was at, I hated the embarrassment of losing, I hated the direction my life was heading.

‘I never received travel expenses, half my monthly wage went on petrol. People will think “Why are you doing that when you’ve got a degree and could earn good pay?”, yet it was never about money for me.

‘I wanted to play professional football, I would have given up anything to do that, it’s what I spent my whole life working towards.

‘In the end, I couldn’t drag myself out of bed to play for Coventry. Football had given me purpose for so long, but then proved to be the main trigger for a breakdown.’

In September, Gane featured for 69 minutes in a 3-2 defeat against Birmingham City, watched by a St Andrews crowd of 877 – then walked away from football.

Signed off with depression and mental health issues by a doctor, she was given leave of absence by her club as she sought a way through the toughest period of her life.

Gane added: ‘I had a breakdown in October, crying every single day for two weeks. My eyes were permanently bruised and bulging through crying so much. I’m not really a crier, but I couldn’t stop. I’d wake up, go downstairs, see my mum and cry.

‘I couldn’t function, I was sleeping the day away, not eating, not showering, not looking after myself, just crying and crying about how much I hated life, how much I didn’t want to be here anymore. I couldn't see a way out.

‘I didn’t want to live at that time. Everything inside my head was too much to deal with on a daily basis, it was in there every single minute of the day. It drains you, sucks the life out of you.

‘Suicide was in my thoughts, although I don’t like to admit it because I know how it would make my family feel. That’s probably what made me cry, I was so sad, scared of what it would make me do.

‘The last thing I’d ever want is to hurt my family because they’re the most important people in the world to me – and they helped pull me back. It was the thought of them which I clung onto, I couldn’t put them through it.

‘But there's only so many times you can tell yourself “Nah, I can’t do this because of my family” until you reach the point where you’re going to snap. That’s the mindset I was in, you just stop caring about things.

‘First of all your personal hygiene goes, then it’s your appetite – and I can only imagine what comes next. I understand why people do it because, when you enter that space.

‘That period was the closest I have ever come to committing suicide. I dreamt of it a lot, I’d wake up and really think about it, ways of doing it.

‘It’s hard to speak about, I know I don’t want to do that at this moment, but when I was in that dark place, I really, really did.

‘Thankfully, every time I started to have those thoughts, my family pulled me out of there, taking me out of the house for a coffee, occupying my mind with something else.

‘It’s hard to tell them, but they saved me. They probably don’t know how close things got.’

Gane speaks highly of her local GP, whose support she credits for changing her life.

Prescribed the antidepressant Citalopram once a day and directed towards therapy sessions over Zoom, she has begun to emerge from the bleakness which once engulfed her.

Since the turn of the year, football has re-entered the 23-year-old’s life, following a heart-to-heart with Pompey Women manager Jay Sadler over a Starbucks coffee.

In January she returned for a second spell with the club – five months after departing to fulfil dreams of becoming a professional footballer.

The Chelsea fan said: ‘It has been about finding myself again. Let’s get up each day, let's try going to the gym, let’s shower, let’s brush my teeth – focus on the little things. It was a complete rebuild of my life.

‘I’m probably still in that stage. Rebuilding my physique, my fitness, my eating habits, rebuilding relationships which maybe struggled during that time.

‘I have been so scared of returning to football in case it sends me back down that route. I don’t want to revisit that place, I won’t go back there. So it's about building a safety net, understanding myself a bit more.

‘Jay hasn’t been just there as a manager of Pompey Women, but as a friend more than anything.

‘I feel so comfortable at Pompey, I’ve known the girls for a while and they know that when I’m wobbly, I’m wobbly – and on those occasions not to push me too much on the banter side.

‘I returned for one training session before Christmas and actually left it a bit emotional. I didn’t know whether I could do it again or if I was even ready to get back into football.

‘I never thought I’d play again – but Pompey have been wonderful.’

Last weekend Gane returned to competitive action after four months away, completing 90 minutes for the club’s development squad against their Bridgwater United counterparts, winning 2-1.

The central defender is now in the frame for a second Pompey first-team debut on Sunday, with Sadler’s promotion-challenging side heading to Gillingham.

Crucially, though, it’s life away from football which is bringing Gane the happiness she has longed for, returning to her job as a personal trainer, while cherishing daily walks with her three beloved dogs Dotty, Dolly and Riley.

‘This is the best I’ve felt for two or three years.’ she said.

‘Admittedly, I still feel mentally fragile, but I have more clarity, I know what I want, I know where I want to go, and that’s bringing me a lot of peace.

‘My plan is to start a personal trainer business, visiting people in their homes. I want to build my own life, to have a career.

‘I honestly don’t know whether I want to be a professional footballer again. If the environment was right and my mental state was right then I’d love to. If not, then it’s not meant to be and I’ll carry on playing part-time.

‘I do love football, it has been my whole personality trait since I was aged four, but there’s more to life. There’s family, relationships, children, I want all of those. My life is no longer ruled by football – and that has set me free.

‘I’ve learnt to make decisions based on happiness because, most of the time, the only person you are battling in life is yourself, within your own head.

‘And happiness makes that battle so much easier.’