'I can offend people and not realise they are offended'
Denyse Kirkby had always struggled with the social skills that other people seemed to take for granted.
Forming relationships had never been easy because she was always offending people without realising.
And while everyone else was laughing at someone's joke, Denyse would be wondering what on earth was so funny.
It wasn't until the age of 40 that she was diagnosed with Asperger's, a condition on the autistic spectrum. People with Asperger's have difficulty with interaction and communication.
They don't recognise the subtleties of communication, including tone of voice and visual cues, and they take things literally.
Without support, those with the condition often become anxious and isolated. But by the time she was diagnosed, Denyse was a happily-married mum and a successful midwife.
'Life with Asperger's is like watching a play in another language. You are familiar with the language and customs but it's not your first language or culture,' she says. 'You understand the play but miss the subtleties.
'I love laughing but I don't understand jokes. And I can offend people and not realise they are offended. I used to think people were being difficult, but then I realised I was the common denominator.'
Amazingly Denyse has managed keep a sense of humour about her condition. And she has established a successful career in midwifery, teaching and writing by developing different ways to cope.
'You can learn how you should behave,' says the Portsmouth mum, although she recognises there are varying degrees of Asperger's.
'It isn't easy and I often feel anxious and worry that I'm going to do or say the wrong thing. Chairing a meeting can be difficult. I always have to second guess myself.
'But I believe you can do anything you want with the right support and coping mechanisms.'
As well as being a devoted mum to son TJ – who also has Asperger's – and teaching midwifery and working for NHS Portsmouth, Denyse has just completed her first novel.
Under the name DJ Kirkby, she has written Without Alice – a novel which follows the relationships of several couples and focuses on a character with a big secret.
'It's really messing him up,' says Denyse. 'In times of stress people act in ways that aren't exactly them. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour, but it is an explanation.'
She says the book isn't about autism, although her midwifery experience comes through in a childbirth scene. But she does draw from her own experiences.
'I draw on miscommunication and on the fact that when people behave in a certain way, there might be a deeper meaning. Obviously that has a lot to do with my life. But I never think of autism as an excuse.'
People with Asperger's deal with language literally and there are very few figures of speech in her book. 'There are some, because I've learned how to use them. But not many,' she says. And she laughs when she says: 'I don't use as much dialogue as other authors, because in real life I talk because I have to. My editor had to tell me to put more in.'
But the story is very descriptive, an achievement made even more remarkable by the fact that Denyse, who has already had a memoir and several short stories published, also has dyslexia and dyspraxia.
People who have dyslexia can have problems with reading, writing and spelling. Those with dyspraxia have a poor understanding of the messages their senses convey and difficulty relating those messages to actions. This can result in clumsiness, poor balance and poor hand-eye co-ordination.
For Denyse this means she can have problems writing by hand for a long time and finds it difficult to drive if she doesn't know where she's going. Cooking can also be a challenge.
But she has been determined not to take the easy route in life. Denyse wanted to study midwifery so in her 20s moved from her native Canada and supportive family to live in the UK.
And on the face of it, she has selected careers that don't seem conducive to the challenges of Asperger's.
'Actually people with autism are very good at compartmentalising things and we don't get too emotionally wrapped up. That's good for midwifery. But I feel very privileged to have done that work,' she says.
It's partly the challenges of Asperger's that have driven Denyse to succeed. Those with the condition experience sensory overload, which means they can't filter or shut out background noise and conversation.
Denyse needs calm in her life and knows that means living in a nice, peaceful and secure home. 'You need to earn money for that,' she says. 'It's a case of coping or you sink.'
Articulate, intelligent and very friendly, Denyse doesn't immediately display signs of being different to anyone else. But she admits: 'I'm looking at you because I know that's the right thing to do. I have to force myself to do it.'
People with Asperger's can also have problems empathising with others but Denyse says this is something you can learn to display. She has adapted her behaviour and learned social skills that come naturally to other people.
Denyse is married to Chris, who she says is very calm and a perfect gentleman, and has a son TJ and two stepsons, Thomas and Harry.
Technology is a big part of Denyse's life and she is thankful for computer spell-checks.
She says her writing is more of a help than a challenge. 'I can channel everything into my stories.'
Denyse will be signing copies of Without Alice (published by Punked Books, priced 7.99) at Waterstones in Portsmouth on November 6 between 11am and 4pm.
NEED MORE INFORMATION
National Autistic Society – 020 7833 2299 - autism.org.uk
British Dyslexia Association – 0845 251 9002 - bdadyslexia.org.uk
Dyspraxia Foundation – 01462 454986 - dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
'Have you ever had a secret? One so important that it feels as if it will tear you in two? Stephen's got one. He's also got a great job, beautiful wife and an adorable son. Outwardly his life seems perfect but it means nothing without Alice. Read Without Alice and meet a man who you will love to hate until you learn to love him.'
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Tuesday 22 May 2012
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