Alien ways of phone shops always leave me baffled

Steve's baby daughter made amazing progress this week, or so his wife thought

STEVE CANAVAN: It was a lot of rattle over just a little roll

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One of the worst things about leaving my job was giving back my work phone.

When I got it, I struggled because my thumbs were too fat to use the touch screen effectively.

Just a few months on, thumbs worked out and slimmed to perfection, I am a dedicated follower of button-less technology.

However, when it came to investing in a new phone myself, I was all of a dither.

So I went shopping and entered the hallowed grounds of all things technology, a phone shop.

Stepping across the threshold was like entering another universe. The language was alien, the kit was from an era yet to happen to me (except for the chains that attach the phones to the wall – that seemed fairly familiar to older bag shops) and it must be a DNA paradise based on the grease marks left on phone screens by previous customers.

After a quick interrogation about my current phone usage – which I guestimated fully throughout (who knows how many text they send a day? Not me), I was particularly freaked out by the assistant having to go ‘out back’ to calculate how much a contract would cost.

What’s that all about? Was she secretly spying through a hole, waiting to read my body language to work out how much cash I’d part with? A lean back in the chair, relaxed, and I’d probably spend £40 a month. Head in hands, looking worried, I’d be lucky to reach £20?

It was most bizarre as the table I was sat at had a computer on the desk and there were hundreds of phones around. You’d think she could have just called someone.

It was very enlightening though, as she came back and talked me through the features of my previous work phone and asked me if I wanted the same capability.

I bought my first pay-as-you-go phone because it was pink and had a cool flip-up action. I inherited my second from that drawer in the kitchen where miscellaneous objects gather.

I was on the cusp of entering the mysterious world of contracts but for all the features I could ever need, and insurance in case I dropped it down the loo, I’d be paying double the money I’d hoped for.

Back to buttons? Unfortunately yes.