Are they just copying what they see on the television?

A drone was used to drop drugs into Gartree Prison.
A drone was used to drop drugs into Gartree Prison.
Clive Smith says he would not like to arm wrestle athlete Caster Semenya 		Picture: Martin Rickett/PA Wire

CLIVE SMITH: English pigs? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you

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I went along to watch my daughter in a dance show recently.

The show lasted for two hours and she was in it for about four minutes.

It would be so much more entertaining if there were rude songs about Murray’s mum or the umpires’ private activities

All said and done, it wasn’t that bad. I’d never been to that kind of show before, so didn’t really know what to expect.

But what really got to me was some of the audience shouting out their children’s names just before their parts were going to begin.

It couldn’t have been more annoying. Put a sock in it!

They sounded like those creatures off The X Factor who scream when the judges are deciding who to vote through.

Has this sort of thing always occurred at dance shows, or are they just copying what they see on TV?

I’m not kidding, someone even had a homemade banner!

I’m sure the poor child concerned probably wanted the stage to open up and swallow them.

Crowds in general are a strange sort, I suppose.

I really can’t stand all that polite clapping at Wimbledon.

Most of the people there look like they’ve got a very bad smell under their noses.

It would be so much more entertaining if there were rude songs about Murray’s mum or the umpires’ private activities.

And then there’s the darts crowd you see at big tournaments on TV. Wow, what a bunch they are.

Mainly fat, 40-year-old drunk men dressed up like Kermit the Frog, singing the same old songs time after time after time.

And what about the stupid signs they hold up?

‘Don’t tell the boss I’m here’. Well done, really original that, mate.

With the American election season in full swing, the crowds at their rallies are just amazing.

Hillary Clinton was speaking the other day and there were people in tears! They were lapping it up with all their whooping.

It’s the same with the Superbowl. The Americans really get into it.

But in England, football fans are just happy to have a pie, a pint and a fight.

I RECKON THAT CATCHING DRONES WILL BE THE NEXT BIG THING

I read that the government has granted Amazon permission to test drones as a way of delivering parcels.

Apparently it may mean we can receive our goods just 30 minutes after ordering.

Although it all sounds great and I think we should embrace new technologies, I’m sceptical about it working.

Catapults will become popular again, as kids will have great fun trying to take these things out of the sky to bag themselves a new pair of Adidas or whatever.

Will I be able to claim salvage rights for anything that accidentally falls into my garden?

Catching drones instead of Pokemon will be the next big thing, with householders standing on their roofs with massive nets.

DRIPPING SWEAT WOULD HAVE ACTED AS A SPRINKLER SYSTEM

So Scandals nightclub in Portsmouth is soon to close its doors and become student flats.

I haven’t been there for a while, so I can’t say I’m particularly bothered that it’s going.

I’m sure the fire service must be delighted though.

Why? Well, how that place ever managed to comply with fire regulations, I’ll never know.

Whenever I went in there, I always had this feeling that it was one rogue flame away from a possible disaster.

How would all those people crammed in down there have got out?

Although saying that, I reckon all the sweat dripping from the ceiling would probably have acted as a pretty good sprinkler system in the event of any fire breaking out.