At my age, a spot of tongue tango would suck out my dentures, dear

A contestant on Take Me Out with host Paddy McGuinness

VERITY LUSH: I can’t get my head around the general fakeness today

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According to a recent survey, wrinklies are doing IT.

Oh yes, out of 3,000 men and women surveyed, 73 per cent of those aged 57-64 and more than 50 per cent of those aged 65-74 enjoy four-footed frolicking.

Eee, fancy that. Sexy little seniors.

So what about the rest of the OAPs who are up for a bit of mattress mambo but, when faced with a prospective passion poppet (ppp), have forgotten the art of flirting?

Miss Heather Hotlips James (60+ in the shade) to the rescue.

I found some flirting tips targeted at the female 20-35 age group and wondered if they could be adapted for we Golden Girls (GGs).

No! But do join me for a giggle.

1 When meeting a ppp, the eyes are the windows to the soul.

You can use the six-second ‘eye-lock’, or the ‘coy-eye’ flirt, which is several quick glances, or bat your eyelashes.

Well, most of us probably need glasses to see him, and in later years most GGs’ cutesie bits are sagging down to the shagpile, and our eyelashes start to fall out.

You could wear false eyelashes, but make sure you glue them on securely.

I only wore falsies once. I was 17 and outside the infamous Birdage in Eastney, lip-locking my latest squeeze.

As I came up for air my left eyelash was winking at me next to his right nostril. Oops.

2 Be a vampire’s friend – show your neck.

Very seductive to a man, and will send his pulse racing. Not my wrinkly-as-a-rhinoceros’s-rump neck, love.

3 Tossing of the tousled hair.

I fear any GG tossing could result in neck lock or, in my case, the syrup flying across the room.

4 Wear red lipstick and lip gloss, it increases a man’s heart rate.

GGs’ lip outline blurs in later years, so it’s a challenge to get any lipstick on straight.

5 Make sure you have kissable lips.

Okay. But did you know that the Aborigines avoid kissing as they believe it sucks out the soul.

Blimey.

At my age any vigorous tongue-tango would suck out my dentures dear.

Note to GGs – make sure Polygrip is applied to dentures.

Happy flirting...

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