Call them celebrities? They’re a right bunch of posing Z-listers

Steve's baby daughter made amazing progress this week, or so his wife thought

STEVE CANAVAN: It was a lot of rattle over just a little roll

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How underwhelming was the launch of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother?

I kept waiting for the real star to appear to justify the programme’s name.

But as each Z-list celebrity face appeared on the big screen, each one slightly more botoxed than the other, it became harder and harder to recall their names let alone why they are/were famous.

Each ‘celebrity’ was so delighted to be back in front of the paparazzi, launching into a routine of rehearsed poses, that poor host Emma Willis had a real job on her hands getting their attention.

The most enjoyable part was watching the coiffured stars wobble up the stairs balancing precariously on skyscraper heels and negotiating the door before it quickly shut on them. Someone on the production team must have had fun operating that.

So this year’s CBB house is filled with retired soap actors, a grown-up Hollywood child star, has-been models, TV reality stars and an ex-boyband member with a suspect accent.

The ‘celebrity’ housemate most popular with the audience was reality TV star Charlotte Crosby from Geordie Shores.

With all her talk of bodily functions, she seemed like a classy girl.

But at least she wasn’t trying to be something she’s not. I’m not sure who child bride Courtney Stodden was fooling when she said the world has been ‘obsessed’ with her since her marriage to Green Mile actor Doug Hutchison.

The person I felt most sorry for was the talented Emma Willis.

She had to keep harping on about the ‘secret twist’ of the cult of celebrity – a hidden room housing ex-model Sophie Anderton, former child prodigy and now adult oddball Lauren Harries and manic dancer Louie Spence – to try to convince the audience that despite all the talentless housemates, there really is something worth tuning in for.

It wouldn’t surprise me if for next year’s show the producers just take all of the Big Brother housemates and put them straight into the Celebrity Big Brother house.