Carnival? It’s got more in common with a Guy Ritchie movie

A dancer at the Notting Hill Carnival
A dancer at the Notting Hill Carnival
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So Victorious Festival down on Southsea seafront was hailed as another success.

Record numbers attended and, as far as I’m aware, it passed off peacefully.

I’ll make sure the Mrs remembers to pack the picnic hamper and some stab-proof vests

There were a few moaners complaining about the litter left behind.

But if some takeaway wrappers and a discarded Big Mac are all there is to worry about, then I reckon it must have gone okay.

Compare it to another festival held over the same weekend up in London.

The Notting Hill Carnival sounds like Rio, with its flamboyant floats and beautiful women.

But in reality it’s probably got more in common with a violent Guy Ritchie movie.

The residents have to board up their houses and go away for the weekend. Businesses have to close their doors and, unless you want your car to get a new paint job, then that needs to be moved too.

I read that there were 454 arrests, 43 police officers injured, four people stabbed, others sexually assaulted and more than 1,000 treated by the ambulance service.

If this had happened at Glastonbury, for instance, then it would have been shut down years ago.

But hey, it’s fine because the carnival is a celebration of Afro-Caribbean culture.

Several people were reportedly stabbed during a ‘children’s day’ parade!

Who needs a Punch and Judy show any more, when there are people being smashed around the head for real in front of your eyes?

I must remember to pencil it in to my diary for next year. I’m sure the kids will have a marvellous time.

I’ll make sure the Mrs remembers to pack the picnic hamper and some stab-proof vests.

London’s Fabric nightclub has had its licence temporarily suspended as police investigate the drug-related deaths of two teenagers there.

Yet for some reason the carnage at Notting Hill is allowed to carry on year after year. I’m sure the money the taxpayers in London have to stump up for policing it can be better spent elsewhere.

I say forget about political correctness – it’s time this ‘carnival’ was banned.

THE BIG SCOOP? I THOUGHT IT WAS A NEW LOTTERY GAME

Apparently there’s a thing called The Big Scoop, or so the Mrs told me.

I thought it was a new lottery game.

But no, it’s a campaign by the Dog Society to encourage owners to clear up their pets’ mess.

I’m not really sure why I needed to know.

It’s not like we’ve got a dog or I foul the pavements when I walk up to the shop for a pint of milk.

I just think someone has taken the whole thing too far.

Yes, we want people to clean up when their mutts do their business.

But how far do you go?

I mean, a man was videoed in public bagging his dog’s waste, then carefully taking a clump of grass and wiping its bum.

What the heck!

EVEREST CLIMBING BAN IS NOT GOING TO BOTHER THE RATHODS

A while back a couple of climbers from India claimed they had scaled Mount Everest, even producing pictures to prove it.

Dinesh and Tarakeshwari Rathod were the first people from India to reach the summit of the world’s highest peak.

But no! The authorities ruled that they had faked the whole thing and they subsequently received a 10-year climbing ban.

I bet it was a bit like PubWatch but for climbers, with their mug shot at every base camp.

But I’m sure the couple aren’t really that bothered though.

It’s not like being barred from a pub, is it?

I mean, Mr Rathod wasn’t ever going to turn to his Mrs one night and say ‘fancy popping up Everest love?’