CLIVE SMITH: I thought they’d finally got the date right and we’d reached Armageddon

armageddon gv end of the world gv
armageddon gv end of the world gv

The statistics that mask continuing real hardship

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How strange was that sky the other day? Really eerie wasn’t it?

Earlier in the day I’d been reading a piece online about how that day was supposed to be the beginning of the end.

Doomsday theorists were saying that Planet Nibiru would to be bringing aliens upon us and the extra-terrestrial invasion would trigger an apocalypse.

I like a good conspiracy theory but they’d been banging on about this planet for so long I just dismissed it as more garbage. As one doomsday date passed, another date was pencilled in. Armageddon was no nearer, even the dry food I’d been stockpiling had started to go out of date.

Then there were the weird cloud formations. The sky closed in, the birds even took to their perches for a bit of shut-eye.

My kids texted me from school saying there were rumours flying around about it being the end of the world. Pastoral care was overflowing with tearful children. Kids eh?

Then the sky turned that yellow colour. Claustrophobic even.

That was enough for me, I’d seen all I needed too. They’d finally got the date right!

As my kids came through the front door I was handing out gas masks, water canteens, ration packs and the stock of Tamiflu that had been sitting in the medicine cupboard since the great Swine Flu outbreak of 2009.

They weren’t home long before the skies were back to normal though and a quick read of more reputable online news outlets revealed there was a much more rational explanation.

The remnants of Hurricane Ophelia had pulled in tropical air and dust from the Sahara giving the sky that moody atmospheric look.

I love how the weather can throw in these curve balls now and again and gets everyone talking. Nature is great isn’t it?

So, the world wasn’t ending, which was obviously good news for most...

But it meant I had to hastily cancel the order of cyanide pills from the dark web, pull the kids from under the dinner table and explain to the missus why all money from the joint account had been spent.

SURVIVAL SKILLS NEEDED BEFORE I LEAVE THE MISSUS

I read an interesting story of a man who got so fed up with his wife’s nagging he upped sticks and went to live in the woods for 10 years.

I know where he is coming from. Nowadays you can’t even get home from work on a Friday, go out for a quiet pint and roll back in on Sunday in time for a roast dinner without getting an earful!

He didn’t even tell his wife he was leaving!

Wouldn’t it have been easier if he’d just got a divorce, or built himself a shed?

The article didn’t explain the type of tent he used or detail the important survival techniques required in such circumstances.

Useful information with the Christmas party season approaching.

TIP CHARGES ARE THIN END OF THE MATTRESS

I see there are plans afoot to start charging us £1 for every trip we make to the tip. There have been cuts and money needs to be found from somewhere.

So, I know, lets charge people for something they’ve already paid for as part of the council tax. Sounds fair.

You wouldn’t go to a petrol station, fill your car up, pay the nice lady at the till and then pay someone else so you could drive off the forecourt, would you?

The thing is, it will be £1 this year, they’ll need to make more cuts next year; so make that £2. And so on.

I expect we’ll see more sofas and mattresses all over the place now. Always handy when you need a sit down during a country walk...