Cruise makes me feel like a a child at Christmas time

Clive Smith says he would not like to arm wrestle athlete Caster Semenya 		Picture: Martin Rickett/PA Wire

CLIVE SMITH: English pigs? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you

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We’re on our honeymoon and my first thought was to head straight for the all-you-can eat 24-hour buffet on our cruise ship.

But no, old sensible trousers (my wife) wanted us to unpack first.

For me, eating would have been the most sensible thing to do. You see, I deliberately skipped lunch as we boarded our ship around 2pm for what P&O Cruises labelled The Grand Event (when seven cruise ships, including ours, sailed through the Solent to celebrate P&O’s 175th anniversary).

But no, we had to get ‘organised’ first.

‘Can we eat now?’ I asked, tummy rumbling.

Once we’d found a good place on deck to view this historic gathering, the great British weather again let us down. Surely this is now the worst summer ever?

‘How many more photos of the same ship do you need?’ asked Sarah.

My camera clicked away at all the P&O fleet at close quarters. This was a once-in-a-lifetime event and I wanted to record it for posterity.

Horns blasting, all seven ships sailed down in very close formation. It was brilliant. I hope you got a chance to see it as Arcadia followed us so closely we could see the whites of the eyes of the champagne-sipping passengers.

As our ship, Ventura, powered past the Bay of Biscay, the sun started to shine and off came the tops of sun-staved Brits. Surely the catering staff were having a bit of fun as lobster appeared on the menu.

I really find it hard to sit still on this ship. I’m like a child at Christmas.

Sarah just wants to soak up the rays, the most energy she expends being lifting an arm for drinks service.

I, on the other hand, feel the urge to explore. To visit all the bars and restaurants, sip coffee at the foot of the three-deck atrium and peruse the library. I’ve not even started on the top decks yet.

There’s simply too much to do in the evening. Which bar do you go to for pre-dinner drinks? Which entertainment do you watch after your silver service meal?

Freddie Mercury, Phil Collins and Annie Lennox (all right, tribute acts rather than the real thing), we’ve seen them all. Who will be next?