Do us all a favour and keep your freaky ‘talents’ private

THE HOFF IS BACK: But should Britain's Got Talent disappear?
THE HOFF IS BACK: But should Britain's Got Talent disappear?
Steve's baby daughter made amazing progress this week, or so his wife thought

STEVE CANAVAN: It was a lot of rattle over just a little roll

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My index fingers bend in the most peculiar manner and when I’m a bit tipsy, I think I’m as good a dancer as that Irene Cara, from Fame. Neither of these things count as talents.

One makes me a bit of a freak of nature and the other should never be seen but has, at times, been unleashed in public.

Would I go on Britain’s Got Talent? No. And neither should 90 per cent of the people who do.

This TV show irks me more than all the others that involve deluded people being laughed at in the name of entertainment.

Its return at the weekend was not met with joy in my house – even though I do harbour a David Hasselhoff crush. We’ve all got talents. It’s just most of them don’t need to be seen at prime time.