Are you ready? There are just 10 days to go now until the most magnificent show on earth comes to town.
The Olympic Games opening ceremony will attract more than a billion TV viewers, not to mention the fortunate 80,000 people who will be at the stadium in London, transfixed by what unfolds before them.
We the taxpayers have spent a whopping £27m on what could be one of the most amazing spectacles this century as we showcase our green and pleasant land and try to convey to the rest of the world what makes ‘our’ Britain great.
I understand there will be red,white and blue maypoles and a set designed to resemble a farmyard, old Farmer Giles-style, with a menagerie of cows, sheep, horses and even a few chickens doing their bit for our country.
Ducks will also be floating past on a river surrounded by a breathtaking landscape.
Sounds like it could turn into the Ambridge Olympics, or should we rename it the Emmerdale Games!
Apparently there are going to be people enjoying picnics too, plus a grand old game of cricket.
But is this really the best way to promote England? I think they could make this unique event a touch more glamorous, don’t you?
Meanwhile down the road from the Olympic Stadium, I hear ladies of the night are getting geared up ready to cash in on the Games.
It seems the internet has been flooded by agencies targeting tourists coming here for London 2012. Their offers include ‘outstanding Olympic escorts’ and ‘gold standard social companions’.
I reckon the police will have their work cut out trying to stop prostitution with the amount of people visting the Olympic boroughs.
London is a vibrant city normally, so you can imagine how wild it will be during the Games.
But I’ll be avoiding the big smoke and taking it easy down at my local, having a shandy and watching all those athletic young men in shorts running round and round on the telly.
Good luck to all competitors, but the most luck to the Brits!