Festive jumpers and onesies are definitely not on my list

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There’s one item of clothing I’ll never invest in – and that’s the onesie.

I have absolutely no desire to dress myself as a teddy bear, and have yet to see a single person who manages to look attractive in one of these outfits.

The saggy bottom, the wrinkled folds on the legs, the drawing down of the shoulders. Yuk.

I concede they may be warm (after all, they extend the premise of a sleeping bag and those are normally pretty cosy).

But I imagine it’s an utter pain to go for a wee in the middle of the night when wearing a onesie.

Your top half is exposed to the elements, to freeze, with nothing to protect it, and surely any benefits of previous cosiness are lost.

The next item on my list of what not to buy is a Christmas jumper.

It’s as if Bridget Jones’s worst nightmare has come alive at this time of year to stalk the shops – remember her first meeting with Mark Darcy at the turkey curry buffet?

It turned out, sometime later, that he was wearing the jumper because it had been a Christmas gift.

But what’s puzzling me is that people – men in particular – are wearing Christmas jumpers out of sheer need for warmth so early in December.

Nothing ironic, nothing duty-bound about it. What is going on with the world?

I think I’ve seen every imaginable symbol of Christmas on jumpers in the shops.

From the instruction ‘kiss me’ next to some mistletoe, through robins, reindeer, a green Santa and even baubles, there is a jumper out there for everyone.

And if one massive reindeer head emblazoned across your chest isn’t enough, why not get a sweater with mini herds of them running up and down the sleeves?

For individual flair you could embroider a Fenton (the dog who chased deer in London’s Richmond Park and became a YouTube sensation) on to it.

If you’re looking for a theme for your Christmas party this year, other than sherry and mince pies, you could always go for bad jumpers.

What a way to bring people together.