Flushed by the fear of changing the loo roll? Pull the other one

Ian Brady

CLIVE SMITH: Who you are shouldn’t make any difference to sentence

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Ballcocks. That’s what Thomas Crapper invented and not, as many think, the porcelain pan that one perches one’s posterior on. That was some other bloke.

I think Mr Crapper would be quite fascinated on how sanitaryware and its accessories have developed from their humble beginnings.

He would also be intrigued and somewhat amused by some of the modern psychological issues involving the smallest room in the house.

Last Saturday morning as I was squeegeeing my S-bend, I pricked up my ears when I heard the craziest thing coming from the television in the the lounge. A disembodied voice said: ‘We call it rollaphobia’.

What’s that?

Later that day I was to find out.

It was yet another quirky Andrex advert.

Do you remember folks, a few weeks ago I wrote about the Andrex survey which looked into whether you were a ‘folder’ or ‘scruncher’ of toilet paper?

Well, now they want to know if anyone in your household is a rollaphobic.

Apparently this is someone who suffers from the fear of changing empty toilet rolls.

According to Andrex, rollaphobia is a ‘real’ condition.

Yeah, right.

Looks like a bit of slick marketing to me, dear.

But if you go online to andrex.co.uk it is quite funny.

Sorry Andrex, I don’t purchase your posh toilet rolls.

It’s budget bog rolls for me, because I use them for all sorts of jobs, if you’ll pardon the phrase.

And according to a survey, so do you lot.

Sixty-one per cent of people use toilet paper for nose-blowing, 17 per cent for wiping small spills, eight per cent for removing make-up, seven per cent for cleaning mirrors, three per cent for cleaning children’s hands/faces, and four per cent to line the toilet seat or clean glasses.

But, and this is the biggest question of all, which is the correct way to hang your toilet roll – under or over?

Answers on a single-ply sheet of Izal’s finest please.

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