Forget swimming lessons, we’ll do Go Fish and Pairs

Steve's baby daughter made amazing progress this week, or so his wife thought

STEVE CANAVAN: It was a lot of rattle over just a little roll

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Clive Smith

Mr Justice Mostyn said that, despite the lack of physical activity involved, bridge should be seen as a sport because the ‘brain is a muscle’.

If I’m going really wild and the Mrs and kids are out, I’ll drink two cans of Red Bull and eat a packet of Skittles whilst hopping

Hmm, someone wasn’t paying attention in their biology lessons.

The brain is actually an organ. Brain tissue isn’t the same as muscle tissue.

You can’t bulk up the brain by thinking hard!

Otherwise all the clever people in the world would be walking about the place with massive heads like those aliens from the film Coneheads.

I’m just not having bridge as a sport; it’s along the same lines as poker or even video gaming.

The government recommends 5 x 30 minutes of exercise a week, so I’ve cancelled the swimming and gymnastics lessons.

Seeing as card games are now sports, I have introduced Go Fish and Pairs into the kids’ weekly routine.

The runner beans could do with some more space in the garden too, so I’m thinking of offloading the trampoline down the dump and bringing in a good game of Pontoon instead.

As much as I like watching the darts, I really don’t think that’s a sport either.

I know you see them sweating, but that’s to do with the TV lighting and the fact that 96 per cent of darts players are morbidly obese.

I often like a spot of extreme reading. I hold a book in either hand and turn the pages with my feet.

I race the left side against the right to see which can finish a book first. The right side once finished a moderately-sized novel in 3hrs 27mins.

If I’m going really wild and the Mrs and kids are out, I’ll drink two cans of Red Bull and eat a packet of Skittles whilst hopping.

Where will it all end? In years to come will we see athletes standing on top of the podium, in tears, as the national anthem is played and they’re presented with a gold medal for coming first in the Hungry Hippos solo event?