Holiday clothes advice

Lesley's delighted that pole dancing may soon be an Olympic sport                       Credit: PA

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A lot of people who have just been paid will be thinking about doing one of their most important shops of the year, the holiday clothes shop!

The problem is that people always make basic mistakes when doing a holiday clothes shop. So to help here’s a guide to the top three things to do.

Always buy something that matches the colour red if your skin doesn’t tan very well.

Always buy something with an elasticated waist, because however much you slim down, the copious alcoholic beverages you’ll tuck into abroad will really bloat your stomach.

Always buy a brightlycoloured swimming costume or trunks. The hideous colour scheme forces people to look away from you, thus not noticing how fat or sunburnt you are.