I didn’t believe that talk of global warming anyway

No crib for a... sausage roll

ZELLA COMPTON: A 21st century curse – how does a family manage the TV recorder?

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So after years of hearing the scaremongering about global warming, we’re now being told that figures produced by the Met Office suggest we could be heading for a mini ice age.

Apparently, temperatures haven’t been rising since 1997. There’s even been talk of temperatures dropping to those of the 17th century, when there were frost fairs held on the River Thames.

This sort of finding always seems to bring out hysteria in people.

Soon we’ll see mums fighting in the supermarkets for the last of the 15 tog duvets and dads brawling in Matalan for the thermal long johns.

I can’t say I believed all the talk of global warming anyway. The planet has always gone through cycles of warming and cooling.

Who would have been responsible for the temperature rises on planet Earth before the human species evolved – was it the dinosaurs?

It seems to me that no-one really knows what is going on with the climate, or the day-to-day weather for that matter.

And are we now expected to see a queue of people down at the scrapyard, weighing in their solar panels?

Despite the massive leaps in technology, nothing seems to have improved in meteorological prediction since Michael Fish uttered the now infamous words: ‘Earlier on today, apparently, a woman rang the BBC and said she’d heard there was a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’

Maybe we should just stick to the old wives’ tales and look for a red sky at night or red sky in the morning.

And sailors need not worry about expensive wind prediction equipment – apparently if you get a deceased kingfisher and suspend it by its beak (stuffing optional) it will always point in the direction in which the wind is about to blow. This will even work indoors. Marvellous!

And what about our good friends the cows? If they’re lying down, you know it’s time to get the umbrellas out.

But if half are standing and half lying, does this mean there’s a 50 per cent chance of rain?

Sadly though, I have to tell you I’ve yet to hear of any old wives’ tales predicting the coming of an ice age.