I have to keep watching to prove my husband wrong

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STEVE CANAVAN: Making a molehill out of Malcolm, my very minor ailment

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Doctor Who is back with a bang – or should that be a whimper? I watched this week’s episode on catch-up with a cataclysmic hangover and was moved to tears by tiredness, lack of Diet Coke, the need for pizza and my husband’s raised eyebrows at my – in his opinion – tatty choice of viewing.

But let me tell you, I normally love Doctor Who. I loved it as a kid, I loved it into my teens and then I fell in love all over again in my late 30s.

I’m not the biggest Matt Smith fan though. In some ways I don’t think he’s mature enough to portray a 1,000-year-old. His geekiness feels forced and his lines are so over-delivered that you have to wonder why you stay glued in front of the TV to watch.

But glued I remain. To prove my husband wrong and that this is essential viewing and also because I am waiting for it to gain some sparkle.

My tears at this week’s episode were for the fact that it was just tosh. Like watching a mix of Davina McCall’s niceness placed on top of an Africa documentary complete with soaring soundtrack and stunning sunset while Tommy Cooper plays with power tools.

Had the episode focused on finding the plot line, it would have been much better than what we did get, which was saving a galaxy (or some part of space, I may have missed the definition while hunting down the side of the chair for an errant piece of clotted cream fudge) with a bit of singing, some monologues delivered in front of a red planet and a leaf.

Yes folks, if we are ever to get invaded by emotion parasites, what we need to feed them is a leaf which symbolises infinite possibilities.

The infinite possibilities tied in quite nicely with a BBC show called Big Data – more hangover fodder. In that, a decision-making framework (could have been another name – that fudge was slippery stuff) was demonstrated, explaining how there are limitless numbers of decisions facing us at every point.

But if those are modelled in a particular way, and we take care of the big ones first, subsequent decisions are greatly reduced. The modelling is used to sell us advertising, but I wonder if it could also be used to streamline Doctor Who scripts?