I pity person who has to sit and watch all the footage

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Imagine my horror on entering a shop’s changing room last weekend to see a sign saying something like ‘CCTV recording in progress – to deter shoplifting and for people safety.’

This particular changing room – mucky floor, no seating – was in stark contrast to the one at M&S that I’d just been in.

There I was waited on by a woman in uniform, who carried my clothes in, hung them up for me and generally made me feel like I was staying in a five-star hotel.

Seriously, my cubicle came with two rooms – the mirrored inner part for the actual changing and the reception room (which could be separated) where I guess where my beleaguered children/mother/ husband would wait if I’d had them with me.

Anyhow, it was all glorious and lovely except for the fact that I couldn’t squeeze my fat backside into any of the items I’d chosen.

It seems that either I’m much wider than I thought, M&S has shrunk its sizes or, hopefully, I’d swelled up to monstrous proportions from a mosquito bite I’d received the night before. Unlikely as I hadn’t actually been bitten.

So I sadly left M&S and made my way to another chain.

This was full of more throwaway fashions. Here, the price is always too good to be true and the materials just a wee bit thin. But for cheap, last-a-few-weeks-until-you-lose-some-of-your-extra-pounds clothes, it’s fine.

I was on the hunt for shorts. Not so short that my cheeks could be seen (as is the fashion in some stores) and not below the knee either.

There’s a perfect length when you’re in your 40s and for me it’s half-way up the thigh.

But sadly stores don’t seem to know about this optimum shorts length, because if they did then my shopping trips would be more successful.

Thinking about it, maybe that’s what the ‘public safety’ element of the changing room CCTV is – for analysing quite what it is that women want from their clothes, the lengths and the girths to cover all the sins and yet still give tantalising peaks of the remaining good bits.

I just pity the poor person who has to sit there and watch all the footage.