If we wanted a ‘new way’ with our dinner, we wouldn’t have turkey

A shot from Gordon Ramsay on Cocaine, soon to be shown on ITV1 as part of that channel's Crime and Punishment series

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Is anyone else getting fed up with Christmas recipe books and TV shows that promise ‘a new way with turkey for Christmas’

Don’t they understand that people don’t want a new way with turkey at Christmas? Christmas is traditional, which is why people want the turkey roasted in the same way that it always is… which, in my case, is ‘badly’.

If we want a ‘new way’ with our Christmas dinner, we won’t have turkey at all. If we want to do something unusual with our turkey at Christmas, we’ll invite it to play charades with us, okay?

n On TV this Christmas it seems like every celebrity chef in the country has had their own special show telling us their original way of preparing Christmas dinner.

They all think they’re so great preparing their Christmas meals in their flash kitchens. But I’d like to see them doing shows where they prepare a Christmas dinner in more traditional circumstances.

So, how about we get celebrity chefs doing a new style of Christmas dinner show? One where they have to prepare the meal with their mother standing behind them for five hours criticising every single thing they do.

Or one where they have to prepare and serve Christmas dinner while three screaming kids are running around the kitchen playing with their new toys and overdosing on sugar-loaded sweets that make them dangerously hyperactive.

Or one where they have to prepare a turkey dinner for 10 using an oven which is just about big enough to hold the turkey but nothing else at the same time.

Or one where they have to prepare Christmas dinner while taking dozens of phone calls from people wishing them happy Christmas or turning up uninvited and expecting some lagers and a Martini or two! Do any of those and I’ll be impressed.