If you see me, I’m afraid I won’t be able to wave back

Mutiny Festival 2017 Picture: Paul Windsor

Keep children safe – but beware the nanny state

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There’s turmoil in the Jackson household at the moment as our two front rooms have been totally stripped so that re-plastering of the walls could take place.

Our new home in Alverstoke is almost perfect as the last owners had done a fantastic job in renovating the 1930s property.

All but the front rooms though, so this has given us the opportunity to put our stamp on our new home.

It’s only now I realise how useless I am at anything that requires any skill with a tool or a screwdriver,. This has meant many a tradesman arriving at the property.

We’ve had a woodburning stove fitted. Nothing here to worry my DIY ability as I’m sure that this is a job only an expert can complete.

Then came the plastering. What an art! The chap we employed was a one-man band with spiky hair.

He worked non-stop for a week and finished the job on time, even fitting a new ceiling.

But surely I should have been able to fit the picture rails and shave the lounge door so at least it would close? Sadly not – a carpenter was called.

Unfortunately I was also unable to remove the two radiators in the lounge, so a plumber was called.

Another was called as the heating failed due to a small leak from the pipes and the system ran out of water.

Things have not been going well. What with tonnes of dust and two dogs confined to the kitchen, no Sky, telephone or internet, it’s been like living back in the 1980s with a portable TV aerial balancing on top of the bananas to get a decent signal for Downton Abbey from the small telly in the kitchen.

Thankfully my decorating skills have not diminished. Shellac for the new wood, thinned-down emulsion for the new plaster. I’m in my element.

Then again I’ve been told I have my work cut out as my wife has the carpet fitter round on Monday week.

So if you see a tired-looking radio presenter with weird white spots all over his face, you’ll know it’s me.

Just don’t expect me to wave, as lifting my arms will be beyond my capabilities after next week!