If you want to get to the bottom of things, consult a rumpologist

The Richmond Arms
, West Ashling

THE DISH DETECTIVE: The Richmond Arms, West Ashling, near Chichester

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For a mere snip at $600 you can have your rump read by world-renowned rumpologist Jacqueline Stallone.

Forget palmistry darlings, how passé. Now movers and shakers have their rear ends read.

Jacqueline (Sylvester Stallone’s mum) informs us that rumpology is nothing new. The ancient art was practised in Babylon, India, Greece and Rome.

The ancient Greeks thought the derriere was the key to health and fidelity and the Romans had bottom charts – a bit like palmistry – to determine future success.

Aren’t you just loving this folks?

Online you can find a clip of This Morning’s guest rumpologist Sam Amos. Sam explains your left butt cheek is your past, and your right is your future.

Those with round botties need to be in love and are dynamic perfectionists.

People with square derrieres can be reserved and occasionally moody, but they are daredevils.

The owners of pear- shaped rumps are good friends and like fashion.

Fun, but when I was doing spooky stuff, we understood that crystal balls, tarot cards etc were tools to focus psychic energy.

So as Jacqueline and Sam are both psychics, they were probably using that energy to ‘read’ rumps.

So any clairvoyant could be a rumpologist. Ooh I’m a clairvoyant...okay fellas, drop your trousers.

Moving on from reading rumps to ‘texting’ groceries. Yep, scientists have developed a gadget that can be inserted into packets of foods that will be able to detect when the contents are nearing use-by date.

And then they will text you to eat food.

I don’t believe it! We are getting so neurotic about use-by dates.

When I was a kid we had a cool box nailed on the back yard wall for milk, cheese and butter and an old bowl on the sideboard filled with beef dripping.

My French grandpere never washed vegetables and the slugs and snails would float to the top of the saucepan.

And none of us were ever ill.

Makes you wonder when scientists will come up with a chip for us old codgers with a use-by date.

Scary, eh?