It’s the parents who are to blame

KIERAN HOWARD: Thanks very much for the hand, foot and mouth disease Louie

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I’ve just realised why car insurance for male teenage drivers is so high. It’s their parents who are to blame in my opinion and here’s why.

When these young men were toddlers, their parents would put them in buggies or strollers, or put them inside those supermarket trolleys that carry kids in them.

These kids go through all of their early lives thinking that the only way to drive a car is to over-rev the engines and skid round corners going too fast!

They would then push them around, making speedy engine-revving noises or skidding sounds when going round corners to make the journey they were on seem exciting and dangerous.

So, these kids then go through all of their early lives thinking that the only way to drive a car is to over-rev the engines and skid round corners going too fast!

If you don’t want your toddler sons to have to pay vast sums of car insurance when they pass their tests, make sure you push them round in their buggies or supermarket trollies at a sensible speed. And no sound effects please.

You know how you get all different sorts of massage techniques… you’ve got Reiki massage, Shiatsu massage, aromatherapy massage, sports massage and loads of others.

Well, I’ve found a new one to add to the list: ‘Food pouch massage’.

Basically, you have to learn the best way to massage these new foil pouches of stuff like gravy or sauces to make sure you get everything out of the pouch once you’ve cut a hole in the top.

You need supple hands and a lot of patience, but most of all you have to be greedy.

I’m brilliant at it now. Maybe I should take classes?

Something occurred to me last night when I lost the TV remote for a good 15 minutes and couldn’t find it anywhere.

How many of us actually know how to operate our TVs using any of the small, almost invisible buttons on the set if we lose our TV remotes?

They ought to run courses really, because I just didn’t have a clue what to do.