KIERAN HOWARD: If you need some jobs doing, then please don’t call me

Kieran Howard
Kieran Howard

COMMENT: Going above and beyond is all in a day’s work at QA

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Please don’t ever call me if you need any work doing around your home. I repeat, do not call me. Contact Louie long before you call me.

He’s only 16 months of age, but he’d still be far more capable with a hammer, screwdriver and drill (and no, we haven’t yet let him loose with any of those, aside from his wooden toy versions).

Of course, if you have a strangely strong desire to see your humble abode single-handedly dismantled in record time, then get in touch with me immediately. I’m extremely accomplished at that.

DIY is really not my forte, you see. My father-in-law, Chris, recently came down for a couple of days to kindly help board our loft. I’d almost forgotten we even had a loft until the little one came along and we started accumulating a ridiculous amount of clothing and large toys.

Chris retired last year although, thanks to us, he probably hasn’t had chance to notice, enjoy or fully appreciate it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actively sought new employment just to avoid any of our future call-outs. I wouldn’t blame him.

Now, I know I’m not the only person who’s far from adept with DIY, but I tend to take it to a whole new level. It’s not a lack of effort either. I do try. It’s quite simply a lack of ability, although I’m working on that.

Think of the worst person for DIY that you know and times it by one hundred. You’re then closing in on my degree of incompetence.

All that said, you can imagine how chuffed I was when I fixed a rather heavy hanging display cabinet to the wall 18 months ago, shortly before the little man arrived in the world.

Unfortunately, that sense of achievement was soon dashed when Kerrie repeatedly told me to keep Louie well away from it, in case it fell on him. Her concerns even made me doubt my own handiwork and I also started thinking twice before walking under it.

So, we (Kerrie) asked Chris to pop a couple more screws in it to be on the safe side and, to be honest, I now feel a lot more comfortable with it and Louie is again allowed in the hallway where it’s hanging.

And the moral of this whole story is, I could probably start a job, but you will definitely need someone substantially more qualified to finish it.

IT’S NOT LIKE REALITY

What you see on the telly isn’t necessarily representative of reality. In fact, on occasions it can be quite some distance from it.

We took Louie along to a local nursery to have a look around.

The staff member who met with us was great and took time to show us everything we needed to see and answer our questions.

Louie seemed at home and made friends with a boy who came over to introduce himself.

I too left with a fairly positive impression and thought the nursery was suitable.

Kerrie shared a slightly different view though and, as we returned home, was questioning why it wasn’t like the nursery in The Secret Life of Four-Year-Olds.

If you’ve never seen the Channel Four programme, it follows a group of children at a nursery and highlights how they make friends, learn to share and develop in new social situations. It often depicts an unusually calm, controlled and tidy environment.

I’m not sure what Kerrie was expecting, but I did remind her that very few nurseries have a film crew on hand and the benefit of editing equipment. When you check out a nursery, what you see is very much what you get.