Letting enemies know we’d do nothing was a bad idea

The holiday shop shreds your nerves

ZELLA COMPTON: How embarrassing – I had my card refused

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Commander,

You have opened your Letter of Last Resort, meaning the UK has been decimated by nuclear attack and the government annihilated.

You will have checked and found that BBC Radio 4 has gone off the air: Ambridge is no more.

I should have known that telling our enemies we’d lie back and take it was a bad idea

You will also know my thoughts on whether, in the event of a nuclear attack, Britain should retaliate using Trident and firing those 16 nuclear missiles you are carrying deep, deep in the ocean.

You’ll know my thoughts because, shortly after being elected as leader of the Labour party, I took it upon myself to announce to the entire world that, should I become Prime Minister, I would never, ever give the order to push the red button.

In fact, on my arrival in Number 10 I ordered the removal of the button, only to be told it was more of a figurative button than an actual button.

Shame.

I quite wanted to replace it with a button that went ‘oink’ when it was pressed, just to remind me how I became Premier.

I’m still smiling at the thought of it. Well I would be, had I not been vaporised by the North Koreans. Or the Israelis — who saw that one coming, eh? Not me, obviously.

I thought my Stop The War Coalition credentials might help us re-establish good relations, but I guess George Galloway was always the king of Middle Eastern diplomacy.

I wonder what happened to him?

Anyway, when I was told to write this letter I was informed I had four options to choose from: to retaliate; to not retaliate; to ask you to use your own judgment; to place the submarine under the command of an allied country.

Since I made Britain leave NATO we can’t really count on the Americans and the Australians have probably all turned a bit Mad Max by now.

It’s quite ironic, given my Stop The War credentials, that admitting publicly I’d never use Trident has directly led to this sorry state.

I should have known that telling our enemies we’d lie back and take it was a bad idea. Still, too late now, eh?

Yours, Jeremy Corbyn.