Did you know that the act to represent the UK in May’s Eurovision Song Contest has already been chosen?
The BBC has historically been trusted to help find our contestant and broadcast the resulting disaster for all of us to see. You know, the humiliation at the hands of great musical nations like Azerbaijan and San Marino.
The nation has groaned with boredom and apathy over countless weeks of heats to find some poor soul whose career would be ended there and then.
Can you tell I’m slightly cynical about this event? The best song hasn’t won for more than two decades. It’s all too political today.
Our last victory came the year Labour won the General Election after 17 years of Conservative rule. Coincidence?
The nation that has given the world The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Coldplay and Dollar has finally run out of patience and interest.
The amount of TV hours for the contest has been cut as the names chosen to represent us have become more ridiculous.
First there was former boy band Blue, then poor old Engelbert Humperdinck was tipped out of his rocking chair to perform in Azerbaijan.
Last year, poor old Bonnie Tyler took the reins. In a scene reminiscent of a Rocky movie, getting this husky-voiced Welsh dragon permed and clad in denim once again was a mega achievement.
So in 2014, the BBC have put this year’s contest well and truly under the radar.
Maybe this new ‘we don’t care’ attitude will work. Twenty-six-year-old Molly Smitten-Downes was chosen by a competition on a local BBC radio station. This happened shortly before Gardening Hour and after a chat with the local vicar.
Maybe the final will be shown on BBC4 and a sock put in Graham Norton’s cake-hole, leaving the rest of us able to enjoy a normal Saturday night’s TV entertainment.
I suppose now I know what it’s like for Corrie fans when a football match is shown instead. So best of British Molly. Hopefully you’ll save us from total humiliation this year, as I’d heard a rumour we were sending Katie Melua!