I think my mum should be put on Portsmouth Football Club’s payroll.
She has come up with a cracking plan to get rid of the Pompey curse of woeful away form. I think that if Glenn Hoddle can have his own Shakespearean-style soothsayer – sorry, spiritual mentor – then Andy Awford can have Mummy Judd, surely?
And why should she be on the payroll? Well, for giving the advice that the Pompey first team should, to a man, be hypnotised out of being so rubbish on the road.
Call in Paul McKenna, get the slowly-swinging watch out and look into his eyes, not around his eyes but into his eyes.
And why not? At Pompey, desperate times have always called for desperate measures.