Last week Jez turned 45, so he’s now officially middle-aged (well let’s face it, he’s not going to make it past 90 is he?)
To celebrate, I thought it was about time he had a midlife crisis. So I sent him to the gym to put him through his paces and find out exactly what physical state he’s in.
Not great, as it turns out.
Next I thought it was time to improve his image, so I arranged for him to have a spray tan live on air.
It was not a pleasant experience having to take photos of Jez dancing around in just his pants, but he did look a lovely colour when it was all finished.
And to complete the full David Dickinson effect, it was then off to the dentist for a spot of teeth whitening.
By this point he was looking pretty good, but he wasn’t acting very grateful.
When you think midlife crisis you think fast cars, motorbikes and fancy boats, right?
So I took Jez down to Gunwharf Quays for a spot of yachting.
Finally he stopped complaining and started appreciating all the hard work I’d put in.
And for the grand finale, it had to be a facelift!
Okay, a non-cosmetic facelift, which it turns out is a kind of acupuncture. All in all I reckon I’ve done pretty well.
Jez: My absolute favourite thing about my midlife crisis was the afternoon spent blasting around the Solent on a 40ft yacht.
I’ve never done any sailing before and, like many people my age, my knowledge was based purely on watching Howards Way.
It was totally amazing being at the helm of the yacht as the wind filled the sails and we raced along at 10 knots.
I suggested to my wife that we sell the house to buy a yacht, but it didn’t seem to go down very well.
The non-surgical facelift involved having no fewer than 30 needles stuck in my face to banish wrinkles. I was utterly terrified at the thought, but within five minutes of having the needles inserted I actually started feeling really chilled and relaxed.
At one point I even nodded off! Perhaps if I ever have trouble sleeping I’ll just stick some needles in my face...