Last Sunday, 1.40pm.
A covert undercover operation to expose any contraband carrier bags full of bread gets under way.
Location: Canoe Lake, Southsea.
Call me James. James Pond.
At 1.45pm I see my first suspects. A family with a plastic bag full of buttered buns, right in front of the ONE sign that states ‘do not feed the swans’.
Blast. My cover has been blown. They’ve seen the pink hair and scarpered.
It’s 1.52pm and there’s a parent and child feeding bread to the swans.
At 1.55pm I see a woman with a suspicious sandwich box under her arm. I approach with caution.
Turns out the woman is the lovely Sylvie with her hubby Brian. They go to Canoe Lake every Sunday to feed the swans – grain.
Like me, they are very worried that people are feeding the swans bread and, on one occasion, chips.
It’s 2.05pm and a lady stands next to me feeding bread to the swans. She is very concerned when I tell her that bread can make swans very poorly and can even cause death.
She’s seen the sign but admits she didn’t read it.
As I leave Canoe Lake by the north gate exit at 2.10pm, I notice 10 slices of bread in the water plus plastic wrappers, polystyrene cups and loads of slime. Disgusting.
There isn’t a warden in sight. So, city council parks department, it’s time to get off your botties and put more signs up please before we discover a dying swan in Canoe Lake.
I also found time to watch Channel 4’s Strictly Baby Disco last week.
Did you catch it? If not, it was about young girls competing for disco trophies.
It featured pushy mothers encouraging their daughters to dress like drag queens and hurl themselves around a dance floor in a series of frenetic leaps, splits and contortions.
It looked like the little girls were in demonic possession.
It was very, vsery, disturbing, folks.