No turtle doves or gold rings, but a massive tin of choccies

Steve's baby daughter made amazing progress this week, or so his wife thought

STEVE CANAVAN: It was a lot of rattle over just a little roll

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Is it a case of new year, new you? My problem is that the new me is even bigger than the old me in 2012.

I did make a massive effort to cut down on everything in the run-up to Christmas, so that I could binge with the best of them.

But, as it happens it wasn’t quite enough.

You’d have thought losing eight pounds beforehand, as an emergency weight gain cushion, would be more than sufficient.

But oh no. The 12 days of Christmas was obviously conceived as a timeframe to gain 12 pounds.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . . a massive £5 tin of chocolates from Cadbury’s.

If only he’d thought about the turtle doves and the gold rings and all those other less calorific options.