Snakes and Ladders? Now it’s Hosepipes and Stairs

COMMENT: Time to end the scourge of fixed odds terminals

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I was sitting in A&E awaiting treatment for a severe case of trench-foot (which will teach me to go out in a pair of sandals at this time of year) when the idea came to me.

There must be millions of fellow countrymen (and women) who, fed up with wading through the delights of the summer, are seeking other ways of occupying their holiday time.

As entire families bob around car parks in caravans, they must crave updated versions of popular board games.

Well, they will be pleased to learn relief is at hand.

I have been working feverishly over the past few days and have come up with some ideas certain to have the innovators at Waddingtons reaching for their corporate cheque book.

For instance, Snakes and Ladders is to be replaced by a new game called Hosepipes and Stairs.

Competitors who land on the bottom rung will be allowed to take their belongings to the upper floors, before leaving the house by sliding down a hosepipe from the bedroom window.

Monopoly will be revised to take into account recent changes in the money and property markets.

Those who volunteer to become bankers will be sent straight to jail without passing Go, and contestants will be entitled to purchase houses on a buy-for-let basis, thereby denying first-time players the opportunity of owning their own home.

However, anyone who lands on the utilities (especially gas or electricity companies) will be entitled to purchase them only if they prove not to have British citizenship.

You will be thrilled to learn that, as a consequence of the John Terry court case, an updated version of blow football is ready to be launched. It will require those playing the computerised version of the sport to moderate their language.

One competitor will be permitted to shout: ‘Blow me, that was an unfair tackle you rotter!’

His opponent will be entitled to respond with: ‘Blow you too, you moaning blighter!’

However, as the match reaches its thrilling climax, either player will be entitled to shout: “Blow ref! You ******* ******!’