Steve Power: ‘I’m cracking up over pepper’

If Steve was in charge, he would outlaw cracked black pepper ' give him a whole peppercorn any day.
If Steve was in charge, he would outlaw cracked black pepper ' give him a whole peppercorn any day.

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Steve vents his frustration about the shortage of cards for cousins – and don’t get him started about cracked black pepper

nIn a move that furious MPs have branded ‘insulting’ to the public, Barclays has given human names to its self-service machines.

If you want to see a 20-year-old with the body of a 40-year-old, watch The Jeremy Kyle Show

Customers are being told to go to see ‘Sally’, ‘Mike’ or ‘Jake’ if they want to pay in a cheque, withdraw money or amend a direct debit. The machines, dubbed ‘Assisted Service Counters’, have name plaques with a list of transactions they can help with underneath. I’m surprised these machines have been named as they have, because in my experience customers tend to have less savoury names for them.

nApparently, a study of people born within a year of each other has uncovered a huge gulf in the speed at which their body ages, depending on their lifestyle.

Basically, what they’ve found out is this. If you want to see a 30-year-old with the body of a 20-year-old, watch your weight.

And, if you want to see a 20-year-old with the body of a 40-year-old, watch The Jeremy Kyle Show.

nAccording to a demographic analysis by a genealogy website, the average Brit has 193,000 living cousins, which is enough to fill Wembley Stadium twice. Given that news, isn’t it weird that ‘Happy Birthday’ cards for cousins are so hard to find in card shops? If we’ve all got 193,000 living cousins, the card shops are really missing a trick.

nSince when did ordinary pepper start getting known as ‘cracked black pepper’ in everything you eat? You get crisps now that are salt and cracked black pepper flavour; you get cracked black pepper sauce. Cracked black pepper is everywhere, but isn’t it just normal pepper? It’s just pepper in bigger lumps. It’s lumpy pepper! We ought to be cross. We get cross if we’re given lumpy custard or a lumpy white sauce, so we should start a campaign to outlaw lumpy pepper.