STEVE POWER: ‘One Direction’ clothes will wear very thin

Zayn Malik pictured at the Clyde Auditorium,  Glasgow, in  January 2012.	  Picture:  Fiona McKinlay/Wikipedia
Zayn Malik pictured at the Clyde Auditorium, Glasgow, in January 2012. Picture: Fiona McKinlay/Wikipedia
People fly into the air as a vehicle drives into a group of protesters demonstrating against a white nationalist rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, last weekend

ZELLA COMPTON: How much? For four pasties! You must be kidding

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Former One Direction star Zayn Malik has teamed up with fashion giants Versace to design a new collection of clothes.

I hear they’re going to be known as ′One Direction solo′ clothes.

This basically means they’ll last a few short months before wearing very thin.

o The government says it wants to increase London’s airport capacity by expanding Heathrow airport with another runway.

I have a better idea, why not widen the current runways slightly and turn them into dual carriageways?

The faster planes could take off and land in the outside lane and the slower ones could take off and land at the same time in the inside lane.

Genius if you ask me!

o Apparently all four original members of Abba are to reunite for a new digital entertainment project with Simon Fuller which will involve virtual reality and artificial intelligence.

So it’s basically going to be a one-dimensional virtual version of Abba that’s not quite human.

Excuse me for asking, but isn’t that basically like the old pop group Steps?

o It’s been claimed that a luxury ice cream produced for Prince Charles’ Duchy brand and stocked by Waitrose, fuels obesity because it contains nearly twice as much sugar as some other brands.

Maybe he should bring out some new ice creams called the following:

1) The 99-year wait for the throne

2) Extra-large funny faces

o How long should you take in the pub having a ′swift half′ before it’s no longer technically swift?

If you’re in the pub for four hours, does that still count as swift, if you have a slow metabolism like I do?

I’m just asking because I want to avoid a row with my partner again.