Stretched to the limit

Rick Jackson believes Big Ben's bongs should not be silenced

RICK JACKSON: Our las total eclipse was typically British – cloudy

The new Michael Jackson album has been criticised by some for not really containing very much Michael, and it's rumoured that some bits of him that are on there are actually an impersonator.

I get the feeling, if the album sells, we're going to get lots more like it from dead rock stars which will stretch out tiny snatches of their stuff and make them into entire albums. I already have a few titles ready for them: Two Seconds of Tupac, Limited Lennon, Fleeting Freddie, Hardly Any Hendrix, Bits of Buddy, Morrison Morsels, A Smidgen of Sid and Cobain Crumbs. Can you do any better?

Matt Cardle's autobiography is out this week. Excellent! I've always wanted to know what the life of a painter and decorator in Essex was like. Now I know celebrity is a strange thing, but presumably they must have started the research and the writing of this months ago to get it ready to come out a week after he won the show, which presumably means there must have been books ready to be published about the other finalists as well.

This technically means there are now several pop star biographies that have been written about people who aren't even pop stars! Some poor author has probably done loads of research finding out the family histories of Paige Richardson and Belle Amie. What a horrid job that must have been.

Now, whatever they have written will never see the light of day. Mind you, they're probably grateful. Would you admit to writing a book about Belle Amie?

Amy Winehouse will reportedly be paid a million pounds to perform at a private party in Moscow on New Year's Eve. She'll sing for a Russian billionaire and his guests and will use the gig to prepare for her upcoming dates in Brazil.

Finally this week, Morrissey has turned down a role in David Walliams and Matt Lucas' new comedy show Come Fly With Me, because he's a 'useless' actor.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

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