The problem with cloakrooms, crisps and what to call a cuppa

A contestant on Take Me Out with host Paddy McGuinness

VERITY LUSH: I can’t get my head around the general fakeness today

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Why is it that if you leave your jacket or coat in a cloakroom, there’s always a sign saying ‘you leave items of clothing here at your own risk’?

Well if that’s true, what’s the point of having the cloakroom?

Especially if I have to pay £1.50 for the privilege of leaving my jacket there.

Surely I’m paying that money to eliminate the risk of losing my jacket.

What risk is there to my clothes in a cloakroom anyway? What can possibly happen to my jacket if it’s left with a load of other jackets?

Can nightclub cloakroom attendants please just put up a sign saying ‘don’t worry your jacket is safe here’, so I enjoy my night out?

I can’t decided the best way to finish a bag of crisps.

I love being able to pour the little bits of crisp from the bag directly into my mouth, but this is frowned upon when you’re on a night with your partner.

The alternative is to try and dredge the bottom of the bag and get as many of the bits between your thumb and forefinger as possible.

However, that’s a bit messy and unsatisfactory, because you’re leaving a few stray bits at the bottom.

So, here’s my solution. Identify the biggest crisp in the bag and save it ’til last. Then because it was such a good crisp you won’t mind leaving the little bits at the bottom – and can leave with your dignity intact!

People are now more likely to ask for ‘splosh’, ‘chupley’ or ‘blish’ when they fancy a cup of tea. These are the new slang words being used by people all over the country.

So here are three of my own suggestions. Maybe you’ve got something better.

Liquid Leaf

Mug Methodone (depending on how much you like it)

BDF – biscuit-dunking fluid.

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