There’s plenty of choice – and cash – in the business of dying

COMMENT: Increasing awareness of what we eat is crucial

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Cor blimey missus, aren’t funerals expensive?

No it’s okay folks, the Cushion Plumper (my Ma) hasn’t hung up her earth boots yet.

In fact she’s put on 11lb in weight after 10 months in a nursing home and looks a picture of health.

You hear such horror stories in the media about the ill treatment in some care homes. I’m pleased my mum is being so well looked after.

Last week on her trip out in a wheelchair, all dolled

up to the nines, her carer told me Ma was singing her head off all along Southsea promenade.

And she even got a couple of fellas to stop and sing along with her.

You go, girl!

Anyway, back to funerals.

Following in the footsteps of my family, it was off to the Co-op to purchase The Co-operative Funeral Bond.

That means I get a quote and then pay up front for an inflation-proof funeral in the future.

A couple of days later, a very comprehensive glossy 83-page guide to a personalised premier funeral service dropped through my letterbox.

Wow! Funerals are big business, dear.

I’ve got a general idea of what I want because I arranged Pa’s funeral in 2009.

Coffins – from £285 to £4,164. I’ll give you three guesses what I’m ordering.

Hey, come on, it just gets incinerated. Though I was rather fascinated with the Themed Coffin Selection, printed with photos, events or hobbies. Very different.

Now what about the coffin transport? The traditional limousine hearse? Nah.

What about a vintage lorry hearse, or motorbike and sidecar hearse , or even a bright red double-decker bus hearse?

For my diva Ma, there’s only one mode of transport – a horse-drawn hearse.

I’m thinking a glass coach with a magnificent pair of black-plumed horses. Or maybe pink plumes?

You can have some of your loved one’s ashes put into bracelets or pendants, or even added to crystal glass to create jewellery or some paperweights.

But one thing I can assure you of, folks, is that I’ll not be hanging my mother’s ashes round my neck.

Once she’s gone, she’s gone.