We should booze then snooze during our World Cup games

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So David Cameron has called for a rethink on pub opening hours during the World Cup after ministers appeared to rule out extending them for England matches.

I think he’s wrong. I actually think the pubs should be shut during England’s World Cup matches.

Think about it. The chances are we’re going to be really awful and embarrass the country.

So I suggest they should allow extra heavy drinking BEFORE the match starts so the fans fall asleep and miss the match altogether.

Then they should allow drinking AFTER the match for all the unhappy England fans who will be trying to forget the abysmal performance from the team. Sorted.

Scientists have discovered an alarming link between the excessive consumption of sugar found in fizzy drinks and heart-related deaths.

This made me think that we are now going to have to reconsider what the most dangerous things in our kitchen are.

In the past we’ve always thought it was the really sharp knives, or possibly the hand-held electric blender, that put us at the highest risk of death. But it now turns out to be the SodaStream!

How strange is that?

I think I’ve discovered my biggest microwave annoyance. It’s the fact that the microwave pouches of rice refuse to stand up.

It’s like they’ve got some kind of vertigo problem, which means they lose balance and fall over as soon as the microwave dish starts slowly spinning around.

They’re supposed to take two minutes to cook, but in reality some of them can take as long as normal rice because you have to keep stopping the microwave to stand them up again after another dizzy spell!

Can’t they just put the rice in a box?