I’m the new columnist for The News, Portsmouth – and I’ve already given the online trolls something to smile about!
Me: ‘You’re not selling it well.’
Colleague (warming to the theme) ‘Why, only recently our restaurant reviewer was called a really rude four-letter word for not liking a particular burger.’
Me: ‘Yeah, but they didn’t like the halloumi burger. Even I know you can’t criticise things hipsters like or you’ll attract some online trolling. This is 2019.’
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Hide AdColleague: ‘They might call you a communist, or a raving right-winger, or a snowflake, or they might swear at you.’
Me: ‘I’m a football fan, I am used to swearing. I’ve seen my team lose 7-1 at home – I heard a lot of swearing that day. ’
Colleague: ‘You’ll need a thick skin. One of our columnists was called a ‘lazy old bag’ recently.’
Me: ‘I’ll be ok. Providing I don’t say bad things about vegans. Or Greta Thunberg. Or halloumi burgers. Come to think of it, especially halloumi burgers.’
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Hide AdSo here I am, writing for the good people of Portsmouth (and I guess the bad ones as well …) and surrounding areas.
I’m not a communist – though I did study Karl Marx as part of my sociology A-level course – and I’m not a snowflake.
I’m one of Thatcher’s children. No, not the cider, the former PM. I grew up in the 80s and sometimes I wish I could take a Tardis back there. To a time when the only trolls were found in children’s books under bridges. A time before social media and the internet allowed everyone to be perpetually angry (or is that just my Twitter feed?)
A bit more about me – I like rock music, real cider (hence this column’s strapline – quality play on words or what?), cheddar cheese, cats, cricket (arise Sir Ben!) quizzes and bike riding. Yes, I am a cyclist on the roads of Portsmouth. I can already imagine the online abuse as a result of that confession, and this is only my first column ...
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Hide AdHere’s a question - what are you looking for when you arrive at this page of The News every day?
1) Do you want your columnist to air their views on a national topic such as Brexit, Love Island, Donald Trump or Katie Price’s car crash love life?
2) Or are you looking to get a portal into their lives, their families, the things they love and the things they hate? To learn a little more about the men and women who receive an unhealthy dose of online vitriol just for having the guts to type out a few words each week?
I’d choose 2), but then I’m a journalist. A nosy git, in other words.
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Hide AdOk, I’ve confessed - I’m a journalist. Unlike the other five people who pen a weekly column for this paper, I’ve always been paid to write words of wisdom … apart, that is, from three weeks when I worked in a tyre factory in Winchester (well outside my comfort zone) after being made redundant from a job in Southampton I’d held for 16 years.
Yes, the ‘S’ word in my first column - no doubt a bigger sin in these parts of the glorious south than slagging off halloumi burgers and riding a bike around Hilsea roundabout.
I haven’t made the best of starts really, have I?
Good job I’ve got a thick skin ..