Which idiot has just dumped a Christmas tree in Langstone Harbour? | Simon Carter

As I’ve said before, and will no doubt say again – probably next week, to be fair – if stupidity was a potentially fatal disease our wonderful NHS would be overwhelmed within half an hour.

In previous weeks, #stupid has been trending (in my world) with merry armies of people stockpiling toilet rolls and medicines before getting prepared for lockdown by visiting Derbyshire and Welsh beauty spots as well as flocking to West Wittering beach.

Today, let’s turn the #stupid spotlight on the litter louts.

From my house near Morrisons at Anchorage Park, armed with long legs, power-walking stamina and a dog which likes a good stroll, I can reach a reasonable swathe of north Portsmouth within my government-suggested hour-long exercise. I can cover most of Foxes Forest, a lot of the cycle path between the roundabout at the top of Eastern Road and the outskirts of Langstone Technology Park, and most routes between the supermarket and Moneyfields FC at Copnor.

Since lockdown, I’ve walked about three miles a day in my hour. And if I had a pound for every item of litter I have passed, I’d have more cash than Captain Tom Moore’s Justgiving page.

But amid the tsunami of detritus that is perennially there, a new scourge has appeared on our grass verges and by our pavements.

They are mainly blue, but quite often white. And since Covid-19’s tentacles first started to expand over Great Britain, they have become an increasingly important item of clothing – the single-use plastic glove. I must have counted 20-30 on Eastern Road and along Norway Road the other evening when out walking the canine. Why, how eager some people have been to find something new to chuck out of their car windows?

Have you walked along the cyclepath towards Hayling recently? The amount of rubbish on the left-hand embankment, the A27 side, is a remarkable testament to the population’s desire to throw their unwanted crap on the roadside rather than in a bin. Ditto the left-hand side of the Eastern Road, as you drive into the city, just before you get to the turning for Baffins Milton Rovers FC.

Another facet of lockdown life is scanning the TV pages to see if there is anything on the box that doesn’t involve B- or C-rated ‘celebs’ doing a bit of baking or experiencing life on a barge for our so-called ‘entertainment’. Instead of all that reality TV-related nonsense, I have a wonderful idea for a new programme – ‘Seriously stupid people getting a damn good tasering for being stupid’. Well, I’d watch it.

Throw some litter out of a car window? ‘Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ goes the taser, ‘Aarrrrghhhhh’ goes #stupid. Pull off a single-use plastic glove and throw it in a bush? ‘Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ goes the taser, ‘Aarrrrghhhhh’ goes #stupid. I really think it would catch on; be more interesting than watching anything with Alison Hammond anyway.

But the most deserved tasering would go to the person who dumped a Christmas tree in Langstone Harbour the other day. One day I was walking the canine, no tree; the following day, same time, there it was (see picture). So get this, during lockdown, and almost four months after December 25, someone had decided to drive to the car park next to the cycle path and lob their tree into the harbour. They might try to pass that off as ‘essential’ exercise, but it wouldn’t wash with me …

‘Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ goes the taser, ‘Aarrrrghhhhh’ goes #stupid.

Perhaps a tasering sounds harsh, but how else are we ever going to get the littering message across…?