Fiona Caine answers your dilemas
Q Every one of the relationships I’ve had over the past four years has gone wrong when they find out I won’t sleep with them until I feel we are committed.
They start well, but after about two months when I point out I won’t sleep with them, everything falls apart.
I was hurt in the past and I’m not prepared to become physically involved until I’m sure that a guy is serious about me. Is this so wrong?
A I’m sure there are plenty of men who would understand your approach to relationships.
If the men you’ve been out with have been put off so easily, perhaps you are better off without them.
Are you, though, perhaps expecting a serious commitment a little too quickly from these men?
Two months is no time at all in which to get to know someone, and certainly too soon for most people to be thinking about a serious commitment. Just have fun together.
Next time, try not to immediately see it as a serious relationship. I wouldn’t even mention your personal rule about not sleeping with someone until you feel ready.
Q Can you tell me how to stop telling lies?
I want to tell the truth, but it’s become a lifestyle thing for me and it’s destroying my family, so I need to stop.
A When someone lies for no reason, it’s usually because they lack confidence that anyone will be interested in them as they are.
There is no point in my telling you to just stop and tell the truth, because this has become a way of life for you; it’s a part of who you are.
For you to be able to stop, you have to feel there is no reason not to tell the truth. For someone who is a pathological liar, there is a real risk to relationships – which sounds like what you are experiencing.
Do please speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor who can help you discover the cause of your problems and help you start to believe in yourself and build your self-esteem.
Please don’t leave this, because if left unchecked the lying can become so ingrained it could end up having legal consequences for you, and you could end up being accused of fraud.