KIERAN HOWARD: Assembling Louie's toy car was tougher than the Krypton Factor

Of course not. But we still lost an eighth of a day to one last week.

I nearly gave up on life while attempting to put together the boy’s birthday Little Tikes Coupe.

It was even worse than Ikea’s flat-pack furniture, and that takes some doing.

Hopefully that helps set the scene – and gives you an idea of just how bad things were for us.

Don’t get me wrong, the vehicle itself looks the business and is brilliant fun for kids, once it’s eventually built.

Louie used to love test driving the same model at the various toddler groups he attends.

Once in, there our boy remains, hence us buying him his own set of wheels.

I have to admit though, I was completely oblivious as to just how challenging it would be to get it up and running.

I naively thought it might be a five-minute job.

I really am an idiot.

I’m certain it’d be easier constructing an actual car than this particular exasperating piece of agony.

The only straightforward and semi-enjoyable part of the whole assembly process, was the application of the police decals.

It was the only curse-free moment of the whole infuriating debacle.

I felt like a failed contestant on an episode of the Krypton Factor or Crystal Maze.

I think what really hurt was that I could have watched two games of football in the time it took to finally make it mobile.

At one point during the torturous 180 minutes, I turned to some Amazon reviews of the product for reassurance.

Thankfully, I found just the comforting words I was searching for – sort of.

Once again, people described how thrilled with they were with the finished product.

But equally, the same people also detailed how they had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the time taken to build the ‘Frustrator 2017’.

One customer stated they felt they were finishing of the manufacturing process of the car on the company’s behalf.

Here here to that.

Despite all of the above, Louie was overjoyed when he first spotted it in the lounge.

He marched past all his other wrapped presents like they didn’t exist and headed straight for his new mode of transport.

I’d still thoroughly recommend the product, but for the sake of your sanity, I’d strongly urge you to consider a pre-assembled one.

THANKS VERY MUCH, GRANDAD!

Grandad’s bought Louie a xylophone.

Please can I ask that you give us strength through what is already proving a very difficult time.

What happened to the consultation process prior to him completing the transaction in the shop?

Those were all questions running through my head as Louie tore off the wrapping paper on his birthday.

My dad was most likely thinking, ‘I’m glad I won’t have to endure this like Kerrie and Kieran’.

He was probably smiling to himself as he queued up to purchase it.

There was maybe a little chuckle as he took it from the bag and began wrapping.

As I write this, I have a ringing in my ears, but it’s not tinnitus.

No, it’s the sound of metals bars on a xylophone being smashed from a great height like a nail being hammered into a piece of wood.

Sadly the little man doesn’t have an inbuilt decibel limiter.

He’s currently trying his hardest to make himself heard in Portsmouth.

We should be grateful for small mercies though.

Apparently it was nearly a drum kit, but Grandad kindly decided to spare us on this occasion.

No doubt that little bundle of fun is coming our way on Christmas Day.