Banning fireworks would just create a black market – Clive Smith

It's fireworks season, just live with it, says Clive
It's fireworks season, just live with it, says Clive
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It’s that time of year when fireworks are being set off at all hours, the loud bangs have got guinea pigs cowering under their straw beds and predictably there are calls, yet again, for fireworks to be banned.

But as with all things like this, if you ban something that decision simply creates a black market for it and that will only make things worse.

They’ll be firework factories popping up in people’s sheds – can’t imagine what issues that might bring – and people won’t have a clue what they are really buying.

There would be scud missiles being set off from back gardens and large swathes of the country would look something like Basra after the 2003 allied invasion of Irag.

Yes, of course fireworks can be dangerous if they’re not set off correctly or are misused.

I remember a small gathering we had in the back garden one year when a rogue rocket found its way into the watching crowd and hit my cousin. They say time is a great healer and so are skin grafts. Twelve years on she’s just about talking to me again.

But saying let’s ban these things because they are used to ‘terrorise’ people just isn’t right.

Why don’t we ban eggs then because people lob them about during Halloween or waterbombs because people drive about in their cars and throw them at you when you’re walking home from the pub – ah, how I enjoyed that rubbery ball of water smashing into me.

Granted, it is annoying when they are set off at random times in the middle of the night.

They’ve already been going off around my way and probably yours too. And yes, pets do get scared. But so do I when I’m woken from a deep sleep by some dog down my road barking.No,  I haven’t asked for dogs to be banned.

We can’t live in a bubble all our lives and call for everything to be banned because a few people ruin it for everyone else.

There is too much support for banning things nowadays. Let’s have some freedom to enjoy ourselves without the need for this creeping authoritarianism and government control over everything.

We don’t want a bunch of fatties spilling out of bikinis

A headteacher says TV show Love Island sends a ‘dangerous’ message to young people about appearance. I’m not sure why I’m defending it as I think it’s garbage, but what’s wrong with people looking good? They’ve all got decent bodies and clearly look after themselves. Isn’t this what we’re told to do?

And that’s the idea. No one wants to see a load of fat people waddling about spilling out of their bikinis and swim shorts. You can watch Benidorm for that. Yes, it’s superficial but some people like that. And you can’t say it’s morally wrong to be picking different partners every day but then watch EastEnders. If it bothers you, don’t let your kids watch it. Problem solved.

I’ve discovered the perfect excuse for staying in bed

After all those years you’ve spent struggling to get out of bed blaming binge-watching Sharp Objects into the early hours, now you’ve got a real  excuse to tell your boss when you phone in sick.

Just tell work you’ve got dysania.

It’s the term now being used to describe the chronic inability to get up in the morning and then ‘craving’ to get back into bed once you’re out of it.

Now this is a condition I can really stand proudly with. It’s a shame the Great South Run has already been run this year.

I would have set up a Just Giving page and got one of my fit mates to run it for me because, obviously, I’d still be in bed.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​