KIERAN HOWARD: It's all '˜fiddlesticks', '˜flip' and '˜fudge cakes' in our house now

Louie's vocabulary is coming along wonderfully.

Monday, 17th July 2017, 5:00 pm
Updated Tuesday, 18th July 2017, 8:29 am
Kieran believes Gordon Ramsay's vocabulary needs an overhaul

It’s a proud moment when they start forming their own words.

He’s got ‘dog’ down to a fine art now. Sadly he thinks cats and pigeons are also canines.

Basically, in his little world, anything that moves which isn’t human, is a dog.

Sign up to our daily newsletter

The i newsletter cut through the noise

I was trying to get him to say ‘pigeon’ last week as he was on a bench furiously pointing at one.

Kerrie then mentioned that I was being bird breed-specific too early.

So, I’ve now gone back to basics and am merely encouraging him to say ‘bird’ instead. One step at a time.

It’s great that he’s beginning to repeat a lot of what we say to him, but it’s also a little alarming at the same time.

Kerrie and I need to be exceptionally careful about what we say around him now.

Up until this point, we’ve got away with the odd expletive after a toe-stubbing incident or a dropped glass on the ceramic kitchen floor.

I don’t think we’re going to be quite as fortunate going forward though.

We’re now trying to use replacements or invent words which will better suit those mishaps which we all have around the home.

If you can come up with any new ones for us, please get in touch.

The old classics of ‘fiddlesticks’, ‘fudge cakes’ and ‘flip’ are our personal favourites at the moment.

I see chef Gordon Ramsay has come up with a few swear word substitutes to use around his children.

Apparently he uses fructose and shiitake mushrooms in place of certain other rum words.

I guess it’s a step in the right direction on his part, although his whole vocabulary needs a complete overhaul, if you ask me.

I think Louie’s finally conquered his fear of the Dyson–other vacuum cleaners are available – so I’ve been trying to teach him ‘hoover’ each time he goes over to inspect it.

If I’m honest, I’m just happy he no longer balls his eyes out each time the dirt-sucking device is turned on.

At one point in our household, Kerrie and I were the only ones not frightened of it.

Louie would freeze on the spot and the dogs would disappear to the bottom of the garden.

Thankfully, that’s one hurdle we’ve now overcome.


Children fill your life with so many memorable, joyous and laugh-out-loud moments.

Our little man Louie constantly makes me smile and laugh.

Having him around the house is like going to a Lee Evans gig every day of the week.

Unfortunately though, having children also comes at a cost. And that cost is almost-constant worry.

It might simply be that he’s gone suspiciously quiet in the lounge and I’m wondering if he’s trying to eat the curtains.

But it can also be the much bigger things too.

Last Friday, Bradley Lowery’s family had to say a final goodbye to their heroic little boy. The unbelievably courageous six-year-old died after battling neuroblastoma for most of his short life.

The young Sunderland fan, who always had a smile on his face, showed more courage, determination and fight than most of us manage in an lifetime.

That really struck a chord with me and made me even more determined to take nothing for granted and to cherish every single moment with my boy.

Rest in peace, Bradley. There’s only one Bradley Lowery.