Another kid on the way means my life is truly over – Steve Canavan

I’m not sure how this state of affairs has occurred since I’m still not overly keen on the first child we’ve got.

Sometime last year Mrs C suggested we begin trying for a baby, which annoyed me at the time because it was midway through the second half of Manchester United v Liverpool.

Anyhow, long story short, Mrs C got pregnant and the end result, as so often happens after someone gets pregnant, is that we’re going to have a baby.

This has resulted in all sorts of unwelcome turns of events, Mrs C, for instance, declaring we must move house because ours suddenly isn’t big enough.

‘It’s got three bedrooms, why is it not big enough?’ I asked.

‘Because’, she said, as if I were the thickest person in Britain, ‘we’ve not got a play-room.’

I asked what a play-room was.

She tutted, shook her head and declared: ‘It’s a room where we can put all the children’s toys and they can play in there – all my friends have one.’

I had to take a step back in disbelief and then, when I’d regained the power of speech, pointed out that I didn’t have a play-room in my house when I grew up, neither did Mrs C, nor did anyone I know, and yet lo and behold we’ve all turned out okay.

I told her to stop being so middle-class and to get a grip. This, in turn, resulted in her accusing me of being tight with money and led to a very tense evening when we didn’t speak for the entire duration of Holby City.

The compromise we’ve since reached is that, rather than move, we’re going to have an extension on the back of the house. This is going to cost a small fortune but at least we’re staying put and thus it feels as though I have won the argument, which is always crucial in a relationship.

The other thing Mrs C claimed we needed was, as alluded to at the start of this week’s diatribe, a new car.

She wants to replace her little Ford Fiesta with, as she put it, ‘a family car’. Is there any more depressing phrase than family car? It’s the moment you forever wave goodbye to your youthful and carefree days. A family car means you are now purchasing a vehicle not because you like the look of it, but purely to fit people in.

God, it’s depressing.

Mrs C told me we’d be putting both child seats in the new car and would use the vehicle for family outings.

I was going to argue but – because as every man knows the one thing more pointless and futile than arguing with a woman is arguing with a pregnant woman – instead I made a lengthy sighing noise meant to indicate annoyance and irritation and chuntered, ‘fine, but I want nothing to do with the whole process’.

The reason for this is that I detest cars. I have no interest in them whatsoever.

I know this makes me odd for nearly every male I know loves nothing more than to discuss the anti-locking braking system on the new Toyota or how the Mercedes X288 handles around corners. But it leaves me cold.

A car is simply something to use to get from A to B, or A to Z depending on how far you’re going. I just want it to start when I turn the key.

Thus it was that Mrs C arrived home the other day in some big silver thing, with a big smile on her face, and announced, ‘I’ve got a car – do you want to come for a drive?’

‘No,’ I replied, ‘I’ve driven cars for the last 22 years and I’m pretty sure that, unless it takes off and flies to the far side of Jupiter, this one will be pretty similar.’

She did, however, insist I go out and fit two child seats in the back. We now have a sensible family car. My life is officially over.