CLIVE SMITH: Are safe sex apps useful or simply a real passion killer?

They streamline your life, prevent boredom on the most tedious of commutes and direct you from A to B in the strangest of cities.

But did you know there are actually ‘consent’ apps you can download to your phone?

How do they work?

Both parties use it to prove their consent to sex.

They are essentially an ‘I’m not raping you’ app in which both people agree to sex – and on whether to use contraception – and even agree a safe word.

One of these apps records verbal consent in 25 seconds and stores the information online for a year after the encounter.

The US-designed app says it is aimed at ‘college students, fraternity and sorority affiliates, collegiate and national sports figures, celebrities, high-school students of age of consent, the military, people in any position of power...’

Another invites partners to film 20-second videos stating the name of the person they are about to have sex with and recording the faces of both parties.

Unless the camera detects human faces and both parties saying ‘yes’ clearly, the recording will stop and the users advised against continuing.

It too was designed for the US market, but it is estimated it has been downloaded by more than 100,000 UK users.

Of course, there are problems.

Firstly, they pinpoint consent to a single moment which does not allow for someone changing their mind at any stage.

Secondly, it does not allow for the possibility that one party has been coerced.

However, assuming there is nothing untoward, as far as passion killers go this would be right up there.

Can you imagine, when there are clothes flying all over the place, having to stop for a brief interlude to get out your smartphone and get both parties agreeing everyone’s happy before moving on?

And as consent can be withdrawn at any time is there an ‘I’ve changed my mind app’ that comes with in-built tazer and option to ‘share to Facebook’?

TIME TO PUT THE BRAKES ON MY FAMILY’S CYCLING PROFICIENCY

There are usually bits and bobs of a parent that are passed down to their children.

Two of mine have got my double-jointed arms, although I’ve not found any great benefit to this apart from it being a good party trick.

The other seems to have inherited my fine skill at cycling. I say this ironically as I was the only person in school who failed their cycling proficiency. However, I lay the blame for this debacle at my parents who bought me a bike so big it was more like riding a penny farthing.

So my daughter, on her second day of cycle proficiency, followed in my glorious footsteps.

While cycling home she used her arm to stop the bike instead of the brakes and ended up with a break of her own and an operation!

SURELY THE LAST THING WE ALL WANT NOW IS ANOTHER ELECTION?

According to a YouGov poll there is 43 per cent of the population who want another election by the end of this year.

Just who are these people?

Can’t they simply go back to looking at funny memes or trying to get their heads around Chris Packham’s odd choice of clothing on Springwatch?

Surely three national votes in as many years (four if you also include the Scottish independence referendum) should be more than enough to sate the politician within?

I couldn’t bear the run-up and aftermath of yet another so soon.

Whichever side you are on, please just move on...

To keep dragging these elections on and on is getting boring.

Now, I’m even boring myself writing about it...