CLIVE SMITH: Streets should be cleared of homeless for royal wedding

Conservative Simon Dudley caused uproar when he said beggars could present the town in a ‘sadly unfavourable light’ when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle marry in May.

Without going into the whys and wherefores of the homelessness issue, what he said is true. This is obviously going to be a global event, with pictures and footage going around the world. Yes, it would paint a poor picture of our country if beggars were seen everywhere.

All countries want to be seen at their best. Every country does it. We did it for the Olympics, so what’s the difference?

Is it not like cleaning your house when you’ve got visitors coming?

Look at Portsmouth, if you walk through town you can’t miss the piles of sleeping bags, duvets and people lying in doorways. There is no way this looks good, it looks bad!

The people who put together tourist information to promote the city of Portsmouth wouldn’t include information on Hobo Bob and his flea-ridden mutt. There would be no glossy pictures of all the tents amongst the trees behind Cascades where it’s starting to look like the Calais Jungle.

Nowadays people start having meltdowns and call for hangings if they don’t agree with something that’s been said.

But does it not make sense, given the heightened risk of terrorism we currently face and with so many thousands of people in attendance that all the bags and belongings left lying about could pose a security risk? Of cause it does.

He also mentioned ‘aggressive begging and intimidation’. That’s not something someone going to the royal wedding wants to be faced with, is it? Receiving a volley of abuse because you wouldn’t spare any change isn’t the memory you want to conjure up when you gaze on your royal memorabilia in years to come.

MAROONED AT SEA? THEN AVOID ‘WOMEN’S’ CRISPS

A 23-year-old man who drifted on the Atlantic for 16 days after his boat ran out of fuel said he survived by eating Doritos and cookies.

To be honest it sounds a lot like me when I’ve had a couple of weeks off work!

Though with the makers of Doritos about to introduce a less noisy and messy crisp ‘for women’ he’ll need to be careful what he packs on his next trip. I suggest Yorkie bars as they’re ‘Not for Girls’.

Doritos are opening a can of worms for themselves with the ‘women’s crisps’ though – it won’t be long until there are calls to introduce a product that contains both crunchy and silent crisps for non-binary customers!

OH COME OFF IT – IT’S WHAT LIONS DO...

It all kicked off at Colchester Zoo the other day when a vulture doing its daily display took a wrong turn and landed in the lions’ enclosure – you can guess what happened.

One visitor said: ‘It was traumatic for everyone, and I had some awkward questions to answer from my boy.’ For Pete’s sake, get a grip.

Just because a carnivore ends up in the zoo doesn’t mean it’s going to start feasting on grass and wild berries.

It’s a predator and wanted to snack on the vulture. It’s no different to cats chasing pigeons in your back garden.

And what awkward question needs to be answered?

I expect there’ll be a compensation claim in there somewhere down the line.