CLIVE SMITH: Third World War fears from the internet generation

Don't worry children, it won't hurt a bit...
Don't worry children, it won't hurt a bit...
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So, the US had just said it was leaving Syria, effectively allowing Assad free reign. What is Assad’s reaction? Drop chemical weapons on people and bring America back again. It doesn’t make sense. What has he got to gain by doing this?

Now, I know a couple of games of Risk from when I was a kid, and many hours wasted playing Cannon Fodder on my old Amiga doesn’t qualify me as a military strategist, but it just seems strange to me.

You can say I’m wearing a tin hat talking about false flags but that’s the way I see it.

And what have we got now? Talk of another Cold War. Nuclear holocaust. The Third World War and Portsmouth as a big target.

My kids keep showing me maps that are flying about the internet showing Portsmouth in the firing line. I don’t remember being so worried about these sorts of things when I was younger but I guess that’s the internet for you. I think it’s just sabre-rattling and brinkmanship, well, I hope it is anyway.

Launching a nuclear strike against a country which itself has a nuclear capability is really signing your own death warrant. Ultimately there will be no winners. So it’s a lot easier and safer for a country to employ a few people to sit behind a computer screen all day and launch cyber attacks.

I’ve been facing all sorts of questions about it from the kids though. It’s almost got to hysteria levels. They’ve even been asking if they could be evacuated!

We were trying to explain there was nothing to worry about, but one of my eldest’s best friends has seen on the internet that Portsmouth is facing nuclear Armageddon at the end of the month and that was it, we were all doomed.

Someone get Teresa May on the blower and tell her to call a Cobra meeting because a 13-year-old knows what Putin’s planning.

They asked if they would survive if a bomb landed and whether they could hide under granny’s house? And if it would hurt? My reassurance that it wouldn’t hurt as they’d be vaporised and not feel anything didn’t help.

Trying to lighten the mood by playing It’s the End of the World by R.E.M. didn’t either.

WALMART YODELLER JUST COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IN THIS COUNTRY

You can’t have been on social media over the last week and not come across 11-year old Mason Ramsey – the Walmart yodelling kid.

He went viral after a video appeared of him yodelling in the middle of Walmart in rural Illinois. He’s gone on to appear on Ellen, at music festival Coachella and even met Justin Bieber.

If this had happened in the Walmart at Havant I don’t think the results would have been quite the same.

Yodelling to Hank Williams’ Lovesick Blues dressed with cowboy belt, studded boots and red bow tie the poor lad would have probably got chinned for his troubles.

The best alternative I’ve seen in this country is a kid in a tracksuit MC’ing in Tesco...

SLIPPERY SLOPE AFTER PICKING GRAND NATIONAL WINNER

After years of picking donkeys and horses that would rather run through the hedges than jump over them, I managed to pick a couple of winners in this year’s Grand National. At least the last bits of family silver won’t be getting pawned this year.

I put a quid on for the kids to give them some interest in the race.

My youngest picked the winner – she wanted to buy a real pony with her winnings – and we ended up in Asda buying a My Little Pony.

The problem now though is instead of bringing home Biff and Chip books to read she is studying the form in the Racing Post and asking me about perfect Blackjack strategy!