A global crisis doesn’t make you a hairdresser | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman

Millions of men around the globe could regale audiences with stories of the day they didn’t notice when their partner had embarked on a change of hair style.

You know when you’ve missed it because firstly you feel an icy chill, an almost spiritual cooling of your spine.

Then strange unpredictable pockets of silence.

Then, slowly, comes awareness that there is something different about the other.

You’re not sure what it is, but something is not quite as it was.

Then the realisation that you’re too late, you’ve missed the tiny window of haircut recognition.

Only the select group of Zen masters, gigolos, the expertly trained, can claw back from that kind of relational cock-up.

For the rest of us, we look to repair with a high pitched ‘you’ve had your hair done?’ and we know it’s too little, too late.

The day is ruined. Long live the king.

Why then, with all this adult knowledge, did we decide to make, and I quote, ‘a global pandemic worse!’

My teenage daughter was becoming more stressed about her hair. Split ends. General condition.

It was becoming a thing.

I tried to input with the universal dad phrase ‘just leave it, no-one’s going to see you’ but I was met with daggers and I backed off.

Then, for reasons I will never understand, my wife volunteers to ‘have a go’.

We know that no woman in the history of haircuts, no matter how much they spend (and they spend) has ever been 100 per cent satisfied with how she walks out of the salon.

Even if God himself had cut it (Nicky Clarke) they’d be nice to his face but in the debrief with a friend, ‘I’m not sure, really, you don’t think it’s too short?’

We know this. In the BBC TV show Fleabag she states ‘hair is everything, the difference between a good day and a bad day’.

Nevertheless, my daughter accepted the offer. The amount to be cut, no more than an inch.

Here started our worst day of lockdown so far. Sure, my wife used our sharp scissors from the upstairs drawer, however, we do also use them for wrapping gifts, cutting out itchy labels and anything else that requires cutting upstairs.

No more than an inch but what if there’s a variety of different lengths of hair ranging from nothing to around an inch-and-a-half?

As the hair fell to the ground all other staff members made their way to safe cover. The cut was not as hoped. For 24 hours we experienced the full spectrum of teenage emotions. The majority in that spectrum are not great.

Daughter in tears, wife in tears, others briefed to ‘say nothing’. No jokes. No comments. We're in lockdown and we don’t want a full scale riot.

The situation settled after a couple of days. We began to laugh and point at anything that was short and uneven. We took a photo for posterity. Hopefully, it has reinforced that even in a global crisis never, ever, believe that you are a qualified hairdresser.

On that note, I clipped my hair last night, as I have done for the last few years, and not one person said a thing.

If it feels good, go ahead and do it!

Regular readers of this column will know that I like to be busy.

Sure, I can sit and meditate as well as the next yogi, however, I like to get jobs ticked off the list.

Having just had a week off, which bore an exact resemblance to working from home, I have been ploughing through the jobs.

However, for the first time in my life I was left with this question; even though the car has not been driven for 10 days and was washed and cleaned 10 days ago, should I give it another wash?

The car was quite dusty and it won’t fit in the garage because then I couldn’t get to my car cleaning stuff.

It’s like painting the Forth Bridge – although this has changed now due to new paint coating technology – or the Greek story of Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill for it only to roll back again.

Should I embark on a pointless, meaningless, repetitive task, simply because I know no better and it’s what I’ve always done?

The conclusion was…

Yes! Of course.

Did it have all the satisfaction of standing back and looking at the gleaming vehicle? Yes.

Did I care that I would probably be here again in a week? No.

It looked good. I felt good afterwards. I think I’m related to Sisyphus.

Will that show up on an Ancestry search?