Dad’s broken the internet - help! | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman

This week I decided to experiment with the more complicated elements of our internet provider's parental controls.

Most people who have children know that there’s an ongoing challenge of protecting the family with a firewall that I simply don’t understand.

I’ve always had different protocols set up that seem to be easily ducked by my eldest son.

However, you do the best you can.

I recently discovered, via a new up-graded app, that I can have far more fun than simply banning certain themes like gambling or firearms.

I can now find and select electronic devices such as phones and laptops and block them from internet usage at certain times of the day.

I started by shutting the internet down around dinner time as I’m fed up with playing second fiddle to an online game before we are graced with attendance.

Then I thought a later start would be beneficial, followed by a total shutdown for everyone at 10pm.

We all could benefit from the switch-off.

Well, you’d have thought I’d cut off oxygen rather than the world wide web.

I did let all parties know that it was in an experimental phase.

However, on day three of the Christmas Restriction Test (CRT) I hit a problem.

Even though all devices were allowed access, the restrictions were stuck.

No-one could get online gaming, YouTube or social media. There was only basic internet access.

At first, I thought a switch-off then restart would be the easy fix.

But no.

On day one of the issue, tempers were already running high.

On day two, I spent far too long on hold to talk to someone aged eight.

Every change, re-set and switch-off required a wait of two hours before it would kick in.

That was followed by a call to say that the latest idea hadn’t worked and we were becoming stuck in a living hell.

Day three, my son could be heard banging his desk and shouting to the universe that his Christmas was being ruined.

Even I was finding it a bit frustrating which annoyed people even more as I tend to loudly claim that I’m able to cope without the net, Bear Grylls-style.

As a final throw of the dice we were being sent a new router as this was deemed to be the only remaining option.

I asked for express delivery as the situation was now in a critical phase.

We were being forced into playing board games, watching only scheduled television and going for walks.

It was like the Dark Ages.

I’m all for hanging out with my family but there’s a maximum legal threshold.

Finally, like a stork arriving with a new baby, the router arrived.

The children were at the window waiting for the postman.

He thought he was bringing something fun, little did he realise he was bringing our last chance of survival.

We plugged it in and ‘boom', like an injection of horse tranquiliser the effect was almost instant. Stand down and relax. We’re back to enjoying the last few days of 2019.

Thank you Cluedo, Ticket to Ride and Monopoly. You were helpful but there is a limit.

Who wouldn’t want a £1 helicopter?

If only I were organised enough to make the most of the winter sales.

I have a sister-in-law who has mastered bargain shopping to the level of black belt.

She knows when each major store has its sales, what will be reduced and, most importantly, whether it's a genuine reduction or a faux discount – sofa and carpet shops are the main culprits of that one.

If you know you’re going to have a summer holiday somewhere hot, then now is the time for buying flip flops, bikinis, swimwear and related apparel.

I have never managed these dizzy heights of advanced retail understanding.

But I can easily spot when something I’ve just purchased is somehow instantly cheaper elsewhere, but that’s about it really.

I also hear the voice of a parent clattering around in my head telling me that it’s only a bargain if you need it.

My dad used to say ‘If you buy a helicopter for a quid but you can’t fly it, then that’s a waste of money’.

As a child I thought, ‘I'd love a helicopter for just a quid I don’t care if I can’t fly it, I’d turn it into a bedroom.’

I can see the message of deeper and more complex retail understanding has never really sunk in but at least, if nothing else, I’m consistent.